Yep, still. And it seems to be getting even better, now my back is fucked up too!
I had an appointment with my doctor today to checked out before my operation scheduled on the 16th of January, only to be told I am not healthy enough to be operated on. Kind of an eye opener that was. Now I need to quit smoking, Dr.s orders. Take water pills for my fluctuating blood pressure (sometimes it's good, sometimes it isn't)
Oh, and then we have the albuterol for what's left of my lungs (go's with the needing to quit smoking) And the fucked up things is, I still find my self smoking. I can't seem to help it. Hopefully the welbutrin will fix that as well as help with the depression.
I can't believe how fucked up my body is at 35. It scares me. I don't know how I got to the point I'm at. I do know that the last two weeks have certainly been a wake up call. A very loud one.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
I"m sick of being sick
Once again I get to spend Christmas not feeling good. Seems like almost every year I get sick for my birthday. I know that my health has steadily gotten worse over the last few years. I've always been fat, but damn, this is getting out of control. I hurt constantly, I can't sit, stand or even lay down in the same position for any length of time. I can't walk very far without having to stop and rest. Stairs are a nightmare for me. My knees hurt, my feet hurt, my back hurts. Everything hurts.
I went to see a surgeon the other day about a growth (lump) I have on my backside and all the little bastard did was lecture me on being overweight and smoking. Like I don't know I'm fat and need to lose weight? Like I'm not faced with that fact every minute of every day?
It's gotten bad lately. I just don't feel good, at all, any of the time. The pain has gone from annoying to constant and sometimes excruciating. I'm scared at this point, I know if I don't turn it around I'll be dead before I'm 40. I need to fix it but I don't know how. I have thought about gastric bypass surgery but my insurance won't cover it unless I'm diabetic and I can't afford it out of pocket. I know that if I exercised that would help but hell, it hurts to get out of my chair let alone do something physical. I would love to get a bowflex for my garage but certainly don't have the 2000$ they want for one of those. I'd join a gym but I know myself well enough to know I would never go. There is something about dragging my fat out of shape ass to work out with a bunch of gym rats that makes me feel even more self conscious than I already am.
I am making a goal for myself, a promise to myself and more importantly, my children, by this time next year I will lose at leat 100 pounds. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to do it. I want my life back, I want to be able to be active again. I want to not be embarassed to go out in public. I want to be able to walk without feeling like I'm going to die. I want to be able to sit on a piece of furniture and not have to wonder if it's going to hold my weight and break under me. I want to be able to buy clothes in a regular store. Most importantly though, I want to have the energy to play with my kids, I want to be healthy enough to know that I'm still going to be alive to watch them both graduate highschool.
Perhaps I will have to find a way to pay for surgery, of find the money to put a bowflex in the garage, something. There has to be a way for me to do, I need to find my motivation and keep it. I need to find my drive and determination I seem to have lost several years ago. I need to climb out of the hole I've been living in for way to long and get my life back. Maybe all that therapy is finally paying off, I don't know. Or maybe, it's the fact that every night lately when I lay down to go to sleep, I wonder if I'm going to wake up in the morning or if this is the night my heart finally pops on me. Will this be the night the sleep apnea takes me out? Or will I live another day in pain?
When you have to take pain killers just to be able to sleep, you have issues. When going to the bathroom causes you to be out of breath, you have issues. When you don't go to stores you can't park directly in front of because it hurts to bad to walk across the parking lot, you have issues. Yep, I have issues. I will fix them, I must fix them. I am going to fix them. I just have to figure out how.
I went to see a surgeon the other day about a growth (lump) I have on my backside and all the little bastard did was lecture me on being overweight and smoking. Like I don't know I'm fat and need to lose weight? Like I'm not faced with that fact every minute of every day?
It's gotten bad lately. I just don't feel good, at all, any of the time. The pain has gone from annoying to constant and sometimes excruciating. I'm scared at this point, I know if I don't turn it around I'll be dead before I'm 40. I need to fix it but I don't know how. I have thought about gastric bypass surgery but my insurance won't cover it unless I'm diabetic and I can't afford it out of pocket. I know that if I exercised that would help but hell, it hurts to get out of my chair let alone do something physical. I would love to get a bowflex for my garage but certainly don't have the 2000$ they want for one of those. I'd join a gym but I know myself well enough to know I would never go. There is something about dragging my fat out of shape ass to work out with a bunch of gym rats that makes me feel even more self conscious than I already am.
I am making a goal for myself, a promise to myself and more importantly, my children, by this time next year I will lose at leat 100 pounds. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to do it. I want my life back, I want to be able to be active again. I want to not be embarassed to go out in public. I want to be able to walk without feeling like I'm going to die. I want to be able to sit on a piece of furniture and not have to wonder if it's going to hold my weight and break under me. I want to be able to buy clothes in a regular store. Most importantly though, I want to have the energy to play with my kids, I want to be healthy enough to know that I'm still going to be alive to watch them both graduate highschool.
Perhaps I will have to find a way to pay for surgery, of find the money to put a bowflex in the garage, something. There has to be a way for me to do, I need to find my motivation and keep it. I need to find my drive and determination I seem to have lost several years ago. I need to climb out of the hole I've been living in for way to long and get my life back. Maybe all that therapy is finally paying off, I don't know. Or maybe, it's the fact that every night lately when I lay down to go to sleep, I wonder if I'm going to wake up in the morning or if this is the night my heart finally pops on me. Will this be the night the sleep apnea takes me out? Or will I live another day in pain?
When you have to take pain killers just to be able to sleep, you have issues. When going to the bathroom causes you to be out of breath, you have issues. When you don't go to stores you can't park directly in front of because it hurts to bad to walk across the parking lot, you have issues. Yep, I have issues. I will fix them, I must fix them. I am going to fix them. I just have to figure out how.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
The weather.
I had to laugh as I was reading back over what I have written on here. My last few blogs I was complaining about the heat and how I wish the summer was over. Now, here we are in the middle of winter and the weather has certainly changed. Though the snow is pretty much gone from the ground at the moment, it seems that the rain is trying to turn to snow once again. I hate the cold! See, I'm just never happy. Don't like the summer heat, don't like the winter cold.
It's especially interesting living in an area where it doesn't snow very often and the majority of people have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how to drive in snow and ice. The ever present "I have 4 wheel drive so I can go fast" crowd. The scared, going 5 miles an hour crowd (those I think are the most irritating. If you are that scared, don't drive, you're an accident waiting to happen). And then the few of us who have no issue driving in it. I kind of like it, it's fun, scary and challenging all at the same time. Comfort levels in nasty driving conditions have a lot to do with knowing how to handle your vehicle. Most people have no idea.
Anyway, it went from frozen and white to cold and wet. The weather man was predicting lots of snow over night, that didn't happen, at least not on the valley floor. Schools were canceled today in anticipation of the great o8 blizzard. Road crews worked over time getting sanding trucks and plows ready... Ooops. Kind of funny actually. Well, maybe it will snow later and make them all feel better.
I never did get out and take any pictures of the "winter wonderland" as I wanted to. I seem to have lost all motivation to do anything. This time of year, all I want to do is sleep. Another reason I hate winter. It adds to the depression. I especially hate Christmas. It means another year has passed, I'm another year older. 35? How the hell did that happen?
35 years old, no job, no income, going back to school again, no stability in my life yet. Kids to worry about, support and protect. I always thought that by this point in my life I would be in a much different place than I am. I thought I would have my own home (or large boat), money in the bank, a nice nest egg for retirement. But nope, that didn't happen.
I should look at my current situation as an ends to a means, a short term downside to get me to a long term goal. I should have gone to school a long time ago instead of screwing around for most of my life. Though, I did that once and thought I would be working on boats for a long long time. Things change, especially in my life.
It's especially interesting living in an area where it doesn't snow very often and the majority of people have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how to drive in snow and ice. The ever present "I have 4 wheel drive so I can go fast" crowd. The scared, going 5 miles an hour crowd (those I think are the most irritating. If you are that scared, don't drive, you're an accident waiting to happen). And then the few of us who have no issue driving in it. I kind of like it, it's fun, scary and challenging all at the same time. Comfort levels in nasty driving conditions have a lot to do with knowing how to handle your vehicle. Most people have no idea.
Anyway, it went from frozen and white to cold and wet. The weather man was predicting lots of snow over night, that didn't happen, at least not on the valley floor. Schools were canceled today in anticipation of the great o8 blizzard. Road crews worked over time getting sanding trucks and plows ready... Ooops. Kind of funny actually. Well, maybe it will snow later and make them all feel better.
I never did get out and take any pictures of the "winter wonderland" as I wanted to. I seem to have lost all motivation to do anything. This time of year, all I want to do is sleep. Another reason I hate winter. It adds to the depression. I especially hate Christmas. It means another year has passed, I'm another year older. 35? How the hell did that happen?
35 years old, no job, no income, going back to school again, no stability in my life yet. Kids to worry about, support and protect. I always thought that by this point in my life I would be in a much different place than I am. I thought I would have my own home (or large boat), money in the bank, a nice nest egg for retirement. But nope, that didn't happen.
I should look at my current situation as an ends to a means, a short term downside to get me to a long term goal. I should have gone to school a long time ago instead of screwing around for most of my life. Though, I did that once and thought I would be working on boats for a long long time. Things change, especially in my life.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
More of lifes trials and tribulations
Wow, I haven't written anything on here in quite some time. I seem to blog in bursts. When life is kicking my ass and I need to vent, I blog. I often wonder if these things ever even get read, not that it matters, I write this crap only for my own self, to vent, let things out.
So anyway. I hurt. I seem to be in pain almost constantly. I have no energy. I hate it. I can't walk more than a few hundred feet without needing to stop. I can't walk up a flight of stairs without paying for it for days. It seems to be getting steadily worse. All it takes is diet and exercise. Oh, 'cept it hurts to do anything, so that makes the exercise a bit of an issue. It's gotten so bad I have no clothes that fit. I feel embarrassed to go out in public. And when I do go out, I have to be careful where I sit so I don't brake what sit on. I have to make sure it's either a single floor building or it has an elevator. I worry that I'm going to be dead before I hit 40. I'm going to be 35 in a few days and I feel like I'm 90.
I seem to have lost my motivation, my interest and my drive. Though I don't think I every really had much of any of those. I don't know why. I keep hoping that therapy will help me with those issues but it hasn't yet. I wonder if it's just depression and maybe some good drugs will make it all better. Then I think about what happened the last time I tried taking any of those kinds of meds. They made things worse. So, it this me? Is this what I am? Fat, in pain and depressed? Is that my role in life?
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