Time to take a pause, stop, center myself. I must calm the maelstrom of my mind. Quiet the chaos. I must.......................find direction in the storm, stay a course, hold steady the helm. If I don't, I will soon be sinking with the rest of the detritus of life, left to the bottom feeders and scavengers, or worms. If I can't do this then nothing else is going to work.

I constantly feel as if I have past the point of no return, as if there is no way back from this existence that my life has become. I have to make myself pause, breath, center and come back to an honest reality. The reality is, people lose weight every day. People lose hundreds of pounds. I have done so many things in my life simply because I wanted to do them, I should be able to do this. I must learn to surf the waves again instead of being at their mercy.

Ohh, but then there is the pain. That one constant in my life, the thing that is forever and always with me in some form or another. My knees, my legs, my ________. Something always hurts. How hard it is to find motivation to do anything when in constant pain. To function, the even get out of bed. How do you stay focused when the pain gets so intense at times all I want to do is go numb? When you wake up and wish you hadn't because it hurts so badly. The focus turns to reasons not to kill myself, nothing else. To simply find the strength to function through the day becomes a struggle. Trying to get healthy takes a backseat to finding the will to keep living.

Yet I know others have been worse off than I am. And they have found the strength to turn things around. If they can, what is my excuse? I see double amputees running in marathons with prosthetic legs, people stuck in wheel chairs for the remainder of their life, and I have the nerve to feel sorry for myself? What is it they have that I seem unable to locate in myself?

tired

I'm sneaking (or creaking would probably be more appropriate) up on 40 and I'm realizing that I have no idea who or what I want to be when I grow up. Like a compass in a magnetic storm, I can't seem to find a direction. I just sit here and spin in circles, accomplishing nothing other than getting another day older. I feel lost in chaos. Simply surviving has almost killed me.

I awake feeling blank and empty and I go to sleep feeling the same way. Only knowing that another day in a long line of days has passed beneath my keel. I ply the ocean of life with no rudder and no sail, completely at the mercy of the tides. It's no wonder I so frequently end up on the rocks. I can feel the ship beneath my feet but have no means of which to steer a course. It seems I have drifted into the doldrums with no way out, or at least it seems there is no way out. My ship lacks any oars.

Occasionally I manage to catch a breeze of drift into a current for a short time. I make some progress, think I may finally make way, only to find that movement carries right back to the same spot. I learn a new skill and I swear to myself that I will use it diligently, only to allow it to gather dust in the corner of my mind. And I don't know why. I truly don't.

I have found myself lately quite angry, lost, disgusted and tired, oh so very tired. These aren't the same emotions I've experienced most of my life, they don't come from a place of depression, they come from someplace else, someplace deeper. I've got find the strength to make the changes I know I need to make and to stick with them. Most days that seems utterly and entirely impossible.

Reinvention of self. Is that a real thing or are you what you are? It seems I've changed so many times in my life, worn different personas so to write. Not just styles of dress, yes, those have changed many times too, but my general attitude and way of living.

It's changed so many times in fact that I've lost touch with who I truly am. I don't remember. I've just stopped being anything and turned into this fat, useless blob of pain and self disgust. I have no self identity. No positive one anyway. When I ask myself what I am the answers that come to mind are fat and in pain. I seem to have forgotten how to be anything other than that. I need to find me again. Somehow.

I've let my body go to hell for too long now, I wonder if it's past the point of no return. I hurt anytime I try to move very much. I don't leave the house because of how I feel about the way I look. I've pondered this question before. Who am I? And who do I want to be? What do I want to be?

pain

The body human is an amazing thing, capable of so much. The body and the mind together can achieve  remarkable feats, endure great pain, cause great pain, create beauty and destroy it. As I sit here, again in great pain, I am forced to wonder just what the limit of endurance is for me. How much pain can I live with before it simply becomes to much?

I wonder sometimes what it's like for others. What level of pain they experience on a daily basis. Is it as much of a struggle to simply get out of bed in the morning? I don't remember what it's like to not be in pain in at least one body part at all times. My pain doesn't go away, it simply relocates. One thing stops hurting and another begins. It's exhausting, physically and mentally. And emotionally.

What truly amazes me is that every time I start to think I can't deal with it anymore I manage to deal with it. It's not fun, I certainly don't enjoy life at this point, but I endure. I survive. And that is certainly all it is, surviving. I'm trapped in my body. I can push the pain to the side, mostly, but it barely allows me to function, it's always there. Waiting.

It's disturbing to me, the one having the thoughts and feelings, to go to bed at night and not really care if I wake up in the morning. Just so the pain will go away. Sometimes it seems a wonder that I haven't become an alcoholic or drug addict simply to escape the pain. And sometimes I wonder what keeps me from doing just that. It would be so simply to bury myself in a bottle, to make the pain stop. But I don't, I won't. And I know not why.

I feel like I've dug such a deep  hole for myself that I'll never find my way out. Every day feels just a little harder than the last. The pain seems just a little worse. The strength to keep going just a little less. The pleasures I find in life a little further apart. The pain affects every aspect of life for me. From what I do or don't do to my attitude on any given day. I avoid many things because of the pain. Or because of my size, or both.

So, how much can one person endure? Mentally? Physically? Emotionally? Dealing with one at a time is hard enough but when hit with all three at the same time it often feels impossible to carry on. Yet I seem to manage. I'm not sure the reason. I don't know if I ever knew one. Is there  a purpose to my life or am I just burning off some bad karma from a previous life? Is this simply the end result of a serious of stupid decisions? I live in a prison of my own making. Built one meal at a time and one injury at a time.

The one thing I do know with out a doubt is, I'm exhausted. Every day seems more of a struggle. Every day I seem to have a little less energy, a little less will to carry on. I need to sit and remind myself of the reasons to keep struggling instead of just giving up.

The bastard (the rum diaries (movie)

I finally got a chance to watch this rather well done movie last evening. Johny Depp never disappoints. Something struck me as I was watching the last few minutes of the movie. The year may have changed, but the bastards are still the same.  Am I the only one that notices this? All through the history of humanity the bastards have remained a constant. Those that have using those those that don't have to get more at the  expense of everyone and everything else. 

In 1960 what where the headlines? War, poverty, human rights. Change the decade and the top stories remain the same. Why is that? The struggle never seems to change. Is this the fate of humanity? A constant struggle between those that have and those that don't? Or am I just taking a myopic and jaded view of things? It seems the number of bastards stays constant. And the voices fighting against those bastards becomes just a little quieter every year. 

Journalism has become a joke in this country, print and other. The bastards own it. Those that find a voice are eventually discredited in one way or another. The 99% got inundated with so many wack jobs and lunatics that it lost all credibility. The same has happened to the "tea party". Makes me wonder if there is some design to things. How is it the idiot fringe shows up just in time to royally fuck things up? Every time? 

Listen to the songs of the '60s. Same things are happening today. Is this insanity as a culture? Expecting a different result after repeating the same actions time and time again? Or do we simply get what we deserve? 

So I've decided to do it. Surgery that is. Bariatric specifically. I've thought about it for several years now, gone back and forth with it. But in reality it's never really been a viable option, until now. Because I'm "disabled" and getting SSD I also get medicare. Medicare will actually cover the surgery.

While I loath the idea of being sliced and diced, I also loath the idea of living out what ever remains of my life being in constant pain, being depressed, not being able to do the things I want and wondering when my heart is finally going to explode from the constant strain it's under.

I have no problem admitting that I need the help. I know I can't do it all on my own. I've tried. Of course getting the surgery isn't a given, at least not yet. I have many hoops to jump through. My insurance doesn't start until July 1st and then things have to be approved, if not approved the first time they have to be appealed. And the once that happens the surgical center has a laundry list of requirements that must be fulfilled before they will do anything.

A large part of me is filled with trepidation about the entire thing. The idea of surgery, recovery, having to think about every single thing I eat, how much I eat, what I eat. Well, I suppose that's a big part of how I got so fat, I don't do enough of that. Or, rather, I do, I pay attention to what I eat, I just eat too much. I know I do. And I hope that some surgical assistance will provide that extra dose of motivation I so desperately need.

Tips for productive living (a stolen post)

I copied this from a blog I follow on occasion.

Marc and Angel Hack Life

Practical Tips for Productive Living

  When life gets stressful and you feel like you’re losing your emotional balance, use one or more of these simple tricks to help you relax your mind and re-center yourself in an instant.

1. Wash your hands and face, and brush your teeth. – The simple act of cleaning these parts of your body is both reinvigorating and relaxing, and gives you that ‘fresh start’ feeling.
2. Change your socks for refreshment. – It’s an odd trick, but it works.  Bring a change of socks to work, and change your socks midway through the day.  You’ll be amazed at how much fresher you’ll feel.  This trick is especially handy on days with lots of walking.
3. Call a close friend. – Sometimes a quick conversation with someone you care about is just what you need to boost your mood.
4. Stretch. – When you feel yourself getting stressed, get up, reach towardthe sky, bend down and touch your toes, twist your torso from side to side – stretch it out.
5. Go outdoors. – Getting some fresh air outdoors is always a good way to rouse your senses and clear your mind.
6. Take light exercise break. – Do a few sets of jumping jacks to get your blood moving, or take a walk.  Even the slightest bit of exercise can reduce momentary stress and re-energize your mind.  (Read The 4-Hour Body.)
7. Dress to feel your best. – When we know we are looking our best, we naturally feel better.
8. Listen to your favorite music. – If it’s not too much of a distraction, listening to your favorite upbeat music can be a great way to boost your spirits.
9. Watch or read something that inspires you. – Sometimes all you need is a little pep talk.  Watch a motivational video or read something that inspires you.
10. Have a good laugh. – Watch a funny video clip or read your favorite comic strip.  A good chuckle will stimulate your mind, giving you a renewed sense of optimism.
11. Take a few really deep, controlled breaths. – Deep breathing helps reduce stress, a source of fatigue, and increases the level of oxygen in the blood.  Techniques can be as simple as inhaling for five seconds, holding your breath for four seconds and exhaling for four seconds.  You can also try more elaborate techniques which require different positions
12. Clear your stuffed nose. – If allergies have your sinuses blocked, you may be feeling more tired and cranky.  Rinse your nasal passages withsaline solution.
13. Cook a tasty meal. – Even if you are by yourself, preparing a tasty dinner, setting the table, and treating yourself to a wonderful culinary experience will lift your spirits.  Sharing it with someone you love or respect will make it even more nurturing.
14. Walk away from energy vampires. – Energy vampires are people who always have something to complain about, or a problem that needs to be fixed, and they’ll drain your energy by making you listen to them about their problems or by giving them attention.
15. Complete an important piece of unfinished business. – Today is a perfect day to finish what you started.  Few feelings are more satisfying than the one you get after an old burden has been lifted off of your shoulders.  (Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.)
16. Work on something that’s meaningful to you. – Engage yourself in a meaningful personal project.  Or pull the trigger on doing something you’ve wanted to do for a long time, but haven’t yet had the resolve to do.
17. Assist someone in need. – In life, you get what you put in.  When you make a positive impact in someone else’s life, you also make a positive impact in your own life.  Do something that’s greater than you, something that helps someone else to be happy or to suffer less.  I promise, it will be an extremely rewarding experience.
18. Think about your latest (or greatest) success. – Think about it for at least sixty seconds.  Taking in your success as often as possible will help you reach it again and again.  Quite simply, it reminds you that if you’ve done it before, you can do it again.
19. Act like today is already an awesome day. – Do so, and it will be.  Research shows that although we think that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act.  A great attitude always leads to great experiences.
20. Notice what’s right. – Everything that happens in life is neither good nor bad.  It just depends on your perspective.  And no matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should.  Either you succeed or you learn something.  So stay positive, appreciate the pleasant outcomes, and learn from the rest.  (Read How Full Is Your Bucket?)
21. Take a moment to acknowledge how far you’ve come. – Look around you, remember that you started with nothing, and know that everything you see, you created. We can all lose our feelings of self-worth, especially when something goes wrong in our world. The truth is that if you have done it before, you can do it again, no matter what.

Finding simple ways to give yourself an emotional boost when you feel like you’re stuck in a rut is a vital skill to master.  It’s a timeless practice that truly happy, productive people use on a regular basis.

What do you do to make yourself feel better when life gets you down?

It's the final four I seem to have the issues with. What is success? How does one measure it? If I use societies standards then have I accomplished anything? I generally feel like a complete failure. 

Acting like today is an awesome day? How do you do that when you wake up in pain? When your first waking movement is a reminder of just how fucked up your body is? My day starts with laying in bed working up the strength to get up. Preparing my body for the inevitable pain that comes with standing. Hard to find awesome in that. 

And then comes the hardest of them all, finding what's right. I SUCK at this. That's all I have to say about that. I excel at finding what's wrong. 

And just how far have I come? Around in circles many times but how much progress have I made? I don't know the answer to that question. Most days the answer feels like none.