Progress....

Many people who endeavor to lose weight seem to live and die by the scale. If they gain a pound it's the most terrible thing ever, if they stay the same the world may come to an end. Personally I despise the scale and think it's a terrible way to measure progress. Too many things make body weight fluctuate. Water retention, muscle mass, how long since your last bowel movement. My weight can fluctuate as much as 10 pounds in one day. True, I still weigh myself about once a week just to see where I'm at, but I don't obsess about it. There are other ways to measure progress. Much better ways infact. Today was one of those days.

The very basic premise of weightlifting is that you force the muscles to work and by working they get stronger. There's actually a lot more to it than that, but we'll keep it simple for today's purpose. So, you create your workout routine, complete with sets, reps and weight, and you do it over and over again. Eventually, after much repetition, things get easier and you have to change something. Add more weight or more repetitions, change up the exercise, something to keep the muscle fibers guessing. And then there comes a time when you need to know just how much you can lift with certain exercises. It's important to know this so that you can adjust the weight you lift on any given day. Depending on who/what you believe and what formula you go with you should be doing exercises anywhere between 70 and 85% of your "one rep max". So you really need to know what that number is. And that is what I did today.

When I first walked back into the gym I hadn't lifted much more than a donut in years. I struggled to bench 135 pounds. Today I pushed 295. Tried for 305 but that didn't happen, yet. Good thing I use a Smith machine or that would have hurt. By the way, if you don't know, a Smith machine is a bar on sliders with safety hooks. It's really a great way to push yourself in an empty gym when you workout alone.  Behind each vertical post (runner) is a series of slots on which the barbell can be hooked. This means that unlike an ordinary barbell, the Smith machine need not be re-racked after a set of repetitions: it can be secured at any point. This makes it safer for those who lift without a spotter, as one only needs to twist the wrist in order to lock the barbell in place in the event that the weight becomes too great. Most models also incorporate blocks, pegs, or other devices which can be adjusted to automatically stop the barbell at a predetermined minimum height.

Smith Machine.

There is some debate about using a Smith machine. Some people hate them, others like them. I use it simply for the safety factor. Unlike a free-weight barbell, the bar on a Smith machine does not move forward, backward, or sideways. It is thought that because lifting on a Smith machine requires less stabilization by the lifter, lifters can usually lift more weight on a Smith machine than on a free-weight barbell. I think that's true to a certain extent, but only by a few pounds. It still works the same primary muscles and you don't need to worry about taking your head off, dumping the bar when you can't get it back up or doing something else that results in permanent, if not fatal injury. I put my ego away when I step in the gym, it's safer that way.

One of my favorite exercises is the leg press. Again, people have differing opinions on the leg press. Some say "squat!" but my body has never liked that range of motion. I get below a certain angle and it becomes a one way trip to the floor. You really don't want to do that when you have a bar of weight on your shoulders. So I use the machine. You can find all kinds of articles telling you how horrible this machine is, but then you can find quite a few saying just the opposite. Anyway. When I first started I could push about 500 pounds, today I did 835, twice. My goal is 1000. Getting closer.

Leg press machine

And finally, the cable row. A great exercise for the back. I've been doing it at 150 pounds. Today I did 300. Doubled what I could pull. Doubled. I'm kind of proud of that. When I started at the gym I struggled to do 15 glute bridges. Now I do 100 of them. This is progress. And it's nice to see. The scale, mehhh. I suppose if you're just dieting (starving yourself) it may show a big difference in numbers, but when you're building muscle it takes a lot longer. I use other parameters to judge.

How does your clothing fit? That's a good one for me. Everything is too big now. Way too big. I can fit in seats I couldn't before. Seatbelts fit. I can walk up a flight of stairs without feeling like I'm going to die when I reach the top. These are much more important to me than a number. You can actually gain weight and lose inches. It's very possible. The difference in volume between fat and muscle is substantial.

If you're building muscle the scale can actually go up while your measurements go down. Or your weight can stay exactly the same. It's actually a good thing. If you're simply dieting your body will consume muscle tissue before attacking the fat, it's the way we're wired. Muscle is for now, fat is for later. It's how our ancestors survived. It also makes dieting a real pain in the ass. And it's why I don't worry too much about what the scale says. Some people are thrilled when they lose 10 pounds, I'm thrilled when I lose a shirt size. That's how I measure progress. How my clothes fit and how much I can lift. How long and fast I can go on a treadmill. How many stairs I can climb without having to stop. Progress for me is being able to walk through Costco without needing an electric cart or sitting down on one of the display sofas.

Here's a little drawing that helps explain what I'm talking about. Both  are the same height and the same weight. Dude on the left didn't drop a single pound. But the body composition is totally different. I wonder what the difference in measurements would be. This, I think, exemplifies exactly why the scale isn't a great indicator of progress and why we shouldn't hyper focus on it. When I got married not quite two years ago my waist measured something like 74 inches. Monday it was 62. I've only lost 60 pounds or so in that time, but 12 inches from my stomach. I've added inches to my arms and firmed up my legs and other parts of my body. The scale may not show a huge difference, but other parameters certainly seem to.

On a side note, my current weight is 425.

Goals

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

I never really understood that quote until recently. It's one of those that you read all the time but never really think about. What happens when something doesn't move? Stagnation. And what is stagnation? The Dictionary sums it up pretty darn well:

• to cease to run or flow, as water, air, etc.
• to be or become stale or foul from standing, as a pool of water.
• to stop developing, growing, progressing, or advancing:
• to be or become sluggish and dull

This happens to people too. It happened to me. I think it happens to a lot of people to some extent. Same job for years, same friends for years, same routine for years. You stagnate. I personally think it's one of the reasons so many folks in this country suffer from some form of depression. It damn near killed me. 

Iron rusts from disuse; water loses its purity from stagnation... even so does inaction sap the vigor of the mind. ~Leonardo da Vinci

There are all kinds of quotes about stagnation and motivation. Many of them describe my life. For instance, this one here. 

All these things "they" fear describe much of my life. Especially the line about giving up. I have always been good at that. Settling? Way too many times. "I fear not feeling these fears and just floating along". That line especially describes my life. From a very early age, I just didn't give a shit. My motto was "why bother" usually followed with "fuck it". I never understood why that was. I often lamented my lack of drive, ambition, desire, whatever you want to call it. I noticed it in other people all the time, but I never experienced it for myself. Now, after years of therapy and introspection I finally know the what and the why of it. The struggle is to change it. I've spent a substantial portion of my life stagnating. 

“What is the difference between a living thing and a dead thing? In the medical world, a clinical definition of death is a body that does not change. Change is life. Stagnation is death. If you don't change, you die. It's that simple. It's that scary." ~ Leonard Sweet

Personally I think this quote should come with a caveat. Sitting around on your ass wallowing in self pity, things change. The body changes, the mind changes, the end is still death. It's not stagnation in the truest sense of the word, but it's close enough. And it comes naturally to me. It's easy for me. It's what I've always done. It's one of the truly despicable effects of depression. Depression squashes your will to live, your desire, your drive. When you're depressed it's easy to sit around and do nothing. Too easy. And I will always struggle with it. I've accepted that fact. It won't go away some day. I won't wake up some morning and suddenly be filled with motivation. I have to force it every single day. And that is why I have to make goals. Not only do I have to force myself to do this I have to make sure that every day, every single day, I do something that will inch me towards those goals. Towards a better tomorrow. Forward. Because I refuse to go back. I refuse to stop moving. Even if it's an inch, I will move every single day. 

So I have made a few goals. Some easy, most not. I wrote recently about "get up and move" apps for my computer. That is one goal. Less computer time. Less sitting. 

Goals:

1. To spend less time in front of my computer. To get up several times an hour and do something. Anything, just as long as it requires movement. Less sitting, more moving. Less time wasted, more time doing.
2. Go to the gym at least 5 days a week. This one is getting easier and easier. I think I'm becoming a little addicted to it. I feel like crap when I don't get to the gym. And that makes me happy. 
3. Eat better. I need to eat better food. I need to learn to eat fruits and vegetables, not meat and pasta. It seems so simple but it's a constant struggle. 
4. Get my weight below 300 pounds. I'll take 299.999999999. I haven't been under 300 since, well, I don't honestly remember. A long time ago.
5. Go back to work. Well, that's actually a two part goal. I no longer want to be "disabled". I abhor it. Getting that $888 dollar check every month because I can't work without losing my mind and my body falling apart, I hate that. 
6. Perhaps the craziest goal of all, I want to enter some type of fitness competition. I don't know yet if it will be powerlifting or something else, but I want to be in a position to enter without embarrassing myself. 

Every day I keep these goals in mind. Every day I do something that moves me closer to them. The alternative is stagnation. Stagnation is death. 

Creatine

 So maybe there is something to all this supplement crap. Serious athletes and competitive bodybuilders have been using it for years and many of them swear by it. Personally I always thought it was bullshit. After today I am rethinking that opinion. Imagine slamming several energy drinks without having the adverse effects or the crash. That's a pre workout mix.

Usually when I do the workout I did today I'm pretty wiped out halfway through. Start to lose focus, take longer between sets, goof off more. Not today. I was totally focussed and ready to go. And I did. My reps even went up. I was able to do more in less time. There have been a couple decades of research conducted on creatine and its benefits. When you use creatine with a pre workout supplement it makes interesting things happen.

Creatine is a naturally occurring nitrogenous organic acid found in the skeletal muscle of vertebrates.About 95% of the creatine found in the human body is located within the skeletal muscle. Creatine is produced from amino acids, L-arginine, glycine, and L-methionine to be exact, and the process is performed mainly in the kidneys and liver. We get creatine from eating meat. It's found in every animal. The problem is, we don't really get enough. Creatine enhances the body's ability to perform high intensity activity. So we really do need it. 

‘Any activity that lasts between around ten seconds and two minutes could benefit from creatine supplementation. This is the range of time in which your muscle cells use creatine phosphate to regenerate ATP, and ATP production can be the step that limits how long you can do certain activities. While there are other ways in which creatine can boost activity (such as preventing acid build-up in muscles), energy generation is the bread and butter of how creatine helps with muscle.

http://www.mensfitness.co.uk/nutrition/supplements/1154/creatine-facts

Ziegenfuss and fellow researchers demonstrated that creatine loading over just three days significantly improved muscle volume and cycle sprint performance in elite power athletes

~http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11985944

Creatine causes muscles to absorb water and that causes muscle cells to inflate, which produces a more heavily muscled appearance, and, more importantly, serves as a stimulus for protein synthesis.

Creatine has also been shown to improve testosterone levels. A New Jersey study found that following a 10-week resistance training program, participants who took a daily creatine supplement significantly increased their resting testosterone levels.

There are, as with everything, possible downsides of creatine use. Some studies link it with renal failure and other health issue. Though it seems that requires a ridiculously high level of consumption over time. Also, because of the way it forces muscle tissue to absorb water, it can lead to some weight gain. However there have been over 2,000 research studies assessing its effects on the human body, creatine has been studied more thoroughly than many prescription medications. These studies have shown that those who use creatine suffer less injury, dehydration, cramping, heat-related disorders and gastrointestinal disturbance in comparison with athletes who don’t. As with anything you put in your body, there is some risk. But is it worth the possible reward? I think so. 

So I'm going to keep using it and see what happens. With my many issues I don't think I have much to lose other than a few dollars out of my pocket and if it works as it's said to, money well spent. 

supplements

I have always been very skeptical of the whole supplement thing. In large part due to the "These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration" warning you find on every single one of them. The number one problem with "supplements", be they vitamins or something else, is that there is very little regulation involved and almost no monitoring of efficacy.

The FDA regulates both finished dietary supplement products and dietary ingredients. FDA regulates dietary supplements under a different set of regulations than those covering "conventional" foods and drug products. Under the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act of 1994 (DSHEA):

• Manufacturers and distributors of dietary supplements and dietary ingredients are prohibited from marketing products that are adulterated or misbranded. That means that these firms are responsible for evaluating the safety and labeling of their products before marketing to ensure that they meet all the requirements of DSHEA and FDA regulations.
• FDA is responsible for taking action against any adulterated or misbranded dietary supplement product after it reaches the market.

In other words the FDA doesn't give a damn unless someone complains or gets sick and can prove it was from a supplement. The manufacturers "self regulate". Dietary supplement manufacturers and distributors are not required to obtain approval from FDA before marketing dietary supplements. Before a firm markets a dietary supplement, the firm is responsible for ensuring that the products it manufactures or distributes are safe and any claims made about the products are not false or misleading and that the products comply with the Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act and FDA regulations in all other respects. So basically it's anything goes. And it's a multibillion dollar business. There are a huge number of stores and websites dedicated to selling you these things. There are "doctors" that push them, there's almost a cult like following around some of them. And body building and exercise is no different. 

There are "pre workout" supplements, "post workout" supplements, ones you take during a workout, ones you take every day. All kinds of crap. And every single source for bodybuilding information pushes them. If you've had bariatric surgery then you're familiar with some, specifically protein powders. There are literally thousands of brands, flavors and varieties to choose from. I have yet to find one I actually like. The search continues. 

So anyway. I keep reading about these "preworkout" drinks and all the energy they supposedly give you. They are supposed to help with focus too. Cool right? So I went and looked at some in a supplement store near my house, just out of curiosity. The warning labels on these things are enough to scare a person. "Warning! Assess tolerance!", "Warning! Do not take at full strength until you know how this product will affect you.", "Warning! May cause increased heart rate!". So what the hell is in these things? Essentially caffeine. Anywhere north of 100mg per serving. One cup of drip brewed coffee has anywhere between 90 and 200 mg of caffeine. 

This is the ingredients in what I took this morning. And imagine my surprise when I discovered it works. Wholly crap does it work. It's like a coffee buzz but without the jitters. Or like drinking several energy drinks without the heart palpitations and irritated stomach. Apparently my body likes amino acids and caffeine.

In case you're wondering; Amino acids are organic compounds that combine to form proteins. Amino acids and proteins are the building blocks of life. When proteins are digested or broken down,amino acids are left. The human body uses amino acids to make proteins to help the body.

Beta-alanine is used for improving athletic performance and exercise capacity, building lean muscle mass, and improving physical functioning in the elderly. Beta-alanine is a modified version of the amino acid alanine. Beta-alanine has been shown to enhance muscular endurance. Many people report being able to perform one or two additional reps in the gym when training in sets of 8-15 repetitions. Beta-alanine supplementation can also improve moderate- to high-intensity cardiovascular exercise performance, like rowing or sprinting.

When beta-alanine is ingested, it turns into the molecule carnosine, which acts as an acid buffer in the body. Carnosine is stored in cells and released in response to drops in pH. Increased stores of carnosine can protect against diet-induced drops in pH (which might occur from ketone production in ketosis, for example), as well as offer protection from exercise-induced lactic acid production. It's like, science, Bro. 

Arginine, also known as L-arginine, is involved in a number of different functions in the body. They include:

• Wound healing
• Helping the kidneys remove waste products from the body
• Maintaining immune and hormone function
• Dilates and relaxes the arteries
• As a natural dietary supplement, arginine has garnered particular attention for its possible heart benefits.

Am I still skeptical? Always. Was I surprised by the results? Most definitely. Will I try other supplements? Quite possibly.

My name is and I'm an addict

An internet addict. It's a problem. The internet has become my distraction and my focus. My outlet and my link to the world. It has become the primary activity in my day. My computer is the first thing on and the last thing off. It's a problem. OK, so pardon the pity party, but. I have no social life. I'm a stay at home day. I have no friends, no hobbies and no interests outside the house and the gym. So I turn to the internet. I write, I watch movies, I play silly Facebook games, and I sit. I've tried to meet people, I really have. I don't like them. I've tried to find hobbies but everything that interests me is expensive and I'm poor. So the computer distracts me, entertains me and gives me something to do. The problem is, it's become most of what I do. So I've made a new goal of not spending as much time sitting in front of it. Did you know there are apps for that? Yep, there really are. Apps that remind you to get off your ass once an hour. I just installed one. They have these for your phone too. A couple are browser based and others depend on your operating system. I use Linux, so that dictates what program I can use.

The first one I'm trying is browser based and called MoveIt. You can set the time between 5 and 55 minutes and when it reaches the set interval a popup is supposed to remind you to get up and do something. It hasn't gone off yet so I'm not...... And it just went off. Turned my browser a nice pink color and told me to touch my elbow to my knee 10 times. Cool! I also installed a timer/alarm on my computer and set it to go off every 45 minutes. So, between the two I should at least get up and move a little more. Now I need to find a hobby that gets me out of the house. Or spend more hours at the gym. Or get a life. Something. I need out of the house more.

And that is something I have a hard time with. The depression makes wanting to do things difficult. The social anxiety makes it hard to go anyplace with people. And then there's the kids. What do you do with a two year old? You go to the park. I hate people, there are people at the park. Well, it is all a work in progress right. We'll tackle that problem another day.

Enemy mine? Food.

There are many different reasons we get fat. Genetics, injury, illness, depression, not giving a shit, just to name a few. My issue, my number one biggest problem is simply food. I love it. And what I love isn't kale, or salad, or tofu. I don't love carrots and celery. No, I love carbs and I love meat and I love chocolate. Breakfast is supposed to be bacon and eggs not grapefruit. Salad is a side, not a meal. Carrots and all that go in the salad, they aren't the meal. I like food. A good cheeseburger is a trip to Nirvana. Excellent chocolate cake, best thing ever. I like the taste, the texture, the aroma, everything about a good meal. You don't get that with a protein shake. And bread, don't forget bread.

There are some people, I think we all probably know at least one, who can eat and eat and not gain a pound. There are products made specifically for these people. Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) eats over 5000 calories a day, and doesn't gain weight. I ate 5000 calories a day and got up to 600 pounds. I walk through the bakery section of a store and I gain 5 pounds. I can look at food and gain weight. Gaining weight is absurdly easy for me. Calories seem to multiply exponentially the second they touch my lips. Even after having 75% of my stomach removed I still struggle to lose a single pound. Because I fucking love food. I suppose it's a bit of an addiction. The largest aspect of the problem is that I love the wrong food. I wish I liked kale. I wish I could be happy eating vegetables all day. They say that veggies give you that same crunch as a bag of chips. They're full of shit.

Have you seen the "Food Cravings Chart"? It basically says if you're craving this, this is what your body wants, eat this instead. No, when I'm craving cheese it's because I want cheese. Good cheese. Parvati, or a good aged, extra sharp cheddar, or maybe some pepper jack. When I want beef I sure as hell am not replacing it with spinach. Spinach?? Up yours! Oh, but if I want coffee then I should have beef? Who comes up with this crap? Good morning, can I have some cream with my sirloin? I need to wake up.

Before surgery I tried all kinds of stupid diets. I did the Weight Watchers things. I tried the Atkins diet (that was an epic fail). I did all kinds of silly things. And every single one of them failed. Because I love food. Don't tell me I can't eat something, that only makes me want it more. If I wanted to be miserable I'd just go back to being 600 pounds. At least then I could burry my misery
in a large pizza with extra cheese and every type of meat in the store.

So, what does one do when all that "healthy" food just isn't palatable? Protein shakes. Oh how I hate them. I have yet to find one that is actually good, but they do the job. They fill the void. They are.....nasty. But they keep me from eating the "bad" food. They fill my belly so I don't eat too much of all the things I love. When I want a bag of Doritos I eat a protein bar. When I want pizza, I drink a protein shake. Then I order pizza and eat two pieces instead of two pies. It's a constant struggle for me to make the right choice instead of the easy choice. I wish it was easier. I wish I didn't love food so much. It's something I continue to work on.

Of course it would be easier without having to feed the kids. They simply won't eat much of what I should be eating and I don't have the self control to make them one dinner and myself another. So I focus on portion control. And that too is a constant struggle. My brain is still the brain of a 600 pound person. My instinct, my habit, is to put as much on the plate as it will hold. So we bought smaller plates. My habit is to eat fast and not give myself a chance to realize I'm full. So I have to leave the table at times. I still fight all the things that made me fat in the first place. Every single day.

When I decided to have bariatric surgery it was largely because I was under the impression that it would greatly alter not only my ability to eat large quantities of food, but my desire as well. It really did neither. When you take out 75% of a huge stomach you're still left with a large stomach. I didn't experience the rapid weight loss that many do post surgery. It's been two years now and I've only dropped a little over 75 pounds since the day of surgery. But then, I haven't gained any so that's a plus. I've also discovered that I simply don't lose weight dieting. I cut my calorie consumption down to the point recommended by the surgeons and I just get sick. Sick and exhausted. I don't lose weight. I lose energy. I don't drop pounds, I drop motivation. Did I mention that I get sick? I've learned a great deal about my body over the last two years.

What have I learned? That I need carbs. Oh do I need carbs. Bad things happen to my body when I don't get enough carbs. That's one of the reasons Atkins failed so epically. I've learned that what works for most people simply does not work for me. I've learned that I have to practice moderation, not deprivation. If I tell myself I can't have a food that only makes me want it more. It becomes my focus, my obsession. When I want a donut I have one, not 12. When I want pizza I have a couple slices, not a couple pizzas. Is moderation the path to quick weight loss? No. But that path usually ends in a wreck of some sort anyway. It is slow, it is difficult, but it is progressing.

This is my idea of diet food. 

Progress

Sometimes I get disheartened looking at the photos of others who have battled with weight. You know the ones. "I lost 20 pounds and look like a completely different person!" Good for you, I hate you. I've lost 175 pounds and I usually don't feel like I look even a little different. I look at myself in the mirror and see a fat man with one foot in the grave. And I hate having my photo taken because I hate the way I look. But.... every once in awhile I look back at some of the older photos as a reminder and every once in a great while I take a new one to compare. Today was one of those great whiles.

Wednesday, November 8 2006
I don't remember what I weighed at this point but it was a lot

I decided to look back, to go through the old photos and see what there is to see. So here we go.  A trip down memory lane. In 2013 I was around 550 pounds, I think I started that year at almost 600. 598 is the highest I remember, but not sure the scale was accurate. Today I am 425.

At my worst my waist was something like 75 inches, it's now at just under 60. I have no idea what my other measurements got up to. I know knothing fit, not even shoes. I know I couldn't drive most cars and had to have seatbelt extensions for my van. I couldn't walk through a store. I couldn't fit in most chairs. And I would have never chosen to go to the gym.

 March 8 2013

August 17 2013