So I'm rapidly becoming obsessed with the thought of moving to Florida. I find I think about it more and more often and quite like the idea.
Perceptions fascinate me. Mine as well as those of others. How we all think and feel about things and places. Some people absolutely love Oregon. I can't stand this state. Some people can't stand Florida, I plan on moving there.
So should one change the perception or change the location? I've changed locations many many times and nothing changed other than the scenery. But things have changed so much for me.
People love the dry, sandy dessert, I hate it.
People love the huge cities and the small cities.
People love water and others hate the water.
Same for warm weather.
For me, Florida offers many of the things I like and few of those I don't.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Change
I moved a lot growing up. Round in circles mostly, following my parents from a to b and back to a again. Made me a bit crazy, figuratively and literally. But all that change and chaos never really accomplished a thing. Dad was unhappy no matter the location. So we moved some more. I swore I would never do that and yet here I am planning a move to Florida in two years.
I've done thinking about this idea, this dream that I've had most of my life. Why I have always felt drawn to Florida. And I have, like a moth to flame, a magnet to metal. My entire life it has been the place I want to be. Why? I worried that I'm simply following my parents example. But then, I have a plan. They never really did. I think I'm doing for the right reasons. I don't think they ever did. Only because they didn't know the difference.
Change can be a wonderful thing. Liberating. Creating. It's frightening, but exciting at the same time. To start fresh, to make of yourself what you want. To be forced to take control of your life. These are all good things. I want far away from my norm. Out of my box. And Florida is about as far as I can go and still be in the country. And I think that's a big part of the draw.
As I have said before, the only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions. Well, I'm climbing up out of the rut. This move will be such a drastic step outside of my safety zone. Away from all my nets and emergency back up. Away from all that I know. And that's a good thing. Here I fall into the same old rut time after time. Here I feel like I should just hibernate all winter. I have no energy. My joints hurts. Time for a change.
I've done thinking about this idea, this dream that I've had most of my life. Why I have always felt drawn to Florida. And I have, like a moth to flame, a magnet to metal. My entire life it has been the place I want to be. Why? I worried that I'm simply following my parents example. But then, I have a plan. They never really did. I think I'm doing for the right reasons. I don't think they ever did. Only because they didn't know the difference.
Change can be a wonderful thing. Liberating. Creating. It's frightening, but exciting at the same time. To start fresh, to make of yourself what you want. To be forced to take control of your life. These are all good things. I want far away from my norm. Out of my box. And Florida is about as far as I can go and still be in the country. And I think that's a big part of the draw.
As I have said before, the only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions. Well, I'm climbing up out of the rut. This move will be such a drastic step outside of my safety zone. Away from all my nets and emergency back up. Away from all that I know. And that's a good thing. Here I fall into the same old rut time after time. Here I feel like I should just hibernate all winter. I have no energy. My joints hurts. Time for a change.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Frustration
With myself. I know what I need to do. Hell, I know how to do it. But when it comes to doing it I seem to consistently fall short. I make it to the course, I tee up the ball, even get the club out the bag. But when it comes to taking a swing at the ball, apparently I need to work on that. I sit and stair at the ball, expecting it to magically fly through the air and into the cup all on its own.
Now wouldn't that be nice, magical hole in one, every time, with no effort. Too bad it doesn't work like that. It's so easy for me, so practiced, for me to just give up, not try, not put out the effort. It's been the way of my life for 38 years. Changing that is HARD.
I have at this point changed so much about me. The way I think about things, the way I feel about things. The way I feel in general. All totally different than a year or more ago. Yet I find some aspects of me so very stubborn. So resistant to change.
So, it's time to work on the swing and the follow through. The stroke needs some help. I'd like to at least get the ball on the green.
Now wouldn't that be nice, magical hole in one, every time, with no effort. Too bad it doesn't work like that. It's so easy for me, so practiced, for me to just give up, not try, not put out the effort. It's been the way of my life for 38 years. Changing that is HARD.
I have at this point changed so much about me. The way I think about things, the way I feel about things. The way I feel in general. All totally different than a year or more ago. Yet I find some aspects of me so very stubborn. So resistant to change.
So, it's time to work on the swing and the follow through. The stroke needs some help. I'd like to at least get the ball on the green.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
#200
I'm not sure if that's cool or what, but this is blog entry number 200. My blog certainly has changed a lot over the last 199 entries. But then so has my life. And things continue to change.
Peripheral Neuropathy
This is the lovely issue I have with both feet. It's great fun, kind of like my feet are on fire. Peripheral neuropathy, a result of nerve damage, often causes numbness
and pain in your hands and feet.
People typically describe the pain of peripheral neuropathy as tingling or burning, while they may compare the loss of sensation to the feeling of wearing a thin stocking or glove.Yup, burning and tingling, if I don't take enough of the meds it becomes more burning than tingling.
Peripheral neuropathy can result from problems such as traumatic injuries, infections, metabolic problems and exposure to toxins. One of the most common causes is diabetes. Or in my case apparently just happen for no apparent reason.
In many cases, peripheral neuropathy symptoms improve with time — especially if the condition is caused by an underlying condition that can be treated. A number of medications often are used to reduce the painful symptoms of peripheral neuropathy.
Most commonly, peripheral neuropathy starts in the longest nerves — the ones that reach to your toes. Symptoms vary, depending on which types of nerves are affected. Signs and symptoms may include:
How is neuropathy treated?
There are a variety of treatments available for peripheral neuropathy. They range from traditional pills and creams to special diets and therapies that stimulate the nervous system. Antidepressants, especially tricyclics and selective serotonin-norepinephrine re-uptake inhibitors (SNRI's), are a favored treatment for neuropathies. They will relieve neuropathic pain in non-depressed persons. Another class of medicines commonly prescribed for neuropathy is that of anticonvulsants. These medicines block calcium channels on neurons to limit pain. Opioid narcotic treatments for neuropathy are used as well to treat the condition, but are less favored because of the risk of dependency. However, opioids have been the most consistently effective in reducing pain.
The doctor has me on anticonvupsants. Gabapentin to be specific. It works, sort of. But the side effect is sleep. Exhaustion more accurately. The stuff puts me on my ass. Apparently some people actually use it as a sleep aid. So I'm trying to find the magic dose that allows me to stay awake and functional but keeps the pain to a minimum.
For some types of neuropathy, such as post-herpes neuralgia, physicians recommend treatment with a topical anesthetic such as lidocaine. Topical applications of capsaicin (the chemical that makes peppers hot) has also been used to treat neuropathic pain.
Alternative therapies for peripheral neuropathy include cannabinoids (an class of chemicals found in marijuana), Botulinum Toxin Type A (better known as Botox), NMDA antagonists (such as ketamine), dietary supplements (such as alpha lipoic and benfotiamine), chiropractic massages, yoga, meditation, cognitive therapy, and accupuncture.
I swear I'm about ready to start smoking pot.
A final class of therapies for neuropathy are called neuromodulators. These include both implantable and non-implantable technologies (electrical and chemical) such as spinal cord stimulators, implanted spinal pumps, electrodes that stimulate the motor cortex of the brain, and methods called deep brain stimulation.
Ohhhh, those sound fun. OK, not. No implanting nothin, nope, aint happening. Though I will say, sometimes when the pain gets bad I start to think amputation wouldn't totally suck. Yes, the pain is that bad.
To explain. Imagine dousing your feet in gas and then lighting them on fire. That's what it feels like. Or sticking your feet in a scalding hot bath tub. And nothing really makes the pain go away.
People typically describe the pain of peripheral neuropathy as tingling or burning, while they may compare the loss of sensation to the feeling of wearing a thin stocking or glove.Yup, burning and tingling, if I don't take enough of the meds it becomes more burning than tingling.
Peripheral neuropathy can result from problems such as traumatic injuries, infections, metabolic problems and exposure to toxins. One of the most common causes is diabetes. Or in my case apparently just happen for no apparent reason.
In many cases, peripheral neuropathy symptoms improve with time — especially if the condition is caused by an underlying condition that can be treated. A number of medications often are used to reduce the painful symptoms of peripheral neuropathy.
Most commonly, peripheral neuropathy starts in the longest nerves — the ones that reach to your toes. Symptoms vary, depending on which types of nerves are affected. Signs and symptoms may include:
- Gradual onset of numbness and tingling in your feet or hands, which may spread upward into your legs and arms. Gradual my ass
- Burning pain
- Sharp, jabbing or electric-like pain
- Extreme sensitivity to touch, even light touch
- Lack of coordination
- Muscle weakness or paralysis if motor nerves are affected
- Bowel or bladder problems if autonomic nerves are affected Oh fabulous, so I can look forward to pissing myself?
What causes neuropathy?
About 30% of neuropathy cases are considered idiopathic, which means they are of unknown cause. Another 30% of neuropathies are due to diabetes. In fact, about 50% of people with diabetes develop some type of neuropathy. The remaining cases of neuropathy, called acquired neuropathies, have several possible causes, including:- Trauma or pressure on nerves, often from a cast or crutch or repetitive motion such as typing on a keyboard(This caused neuropathy in my hands which at this point seems to have improved greatly. Or just moved south)
- Nutritional problems and vitamin deficiencies, often from a lack of B vitamins
- Alcoholism, often through poor dietary habits and vitamin deficiencies
- Autoimmune diseases, such as lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, and Guillain-Barre syndrome
- Tumors, which often press up against nerves
- Other diseases and infections, such as kidney disease, liver disease, Lyme disease, HIV/AIDS, or an underactive thyroid (hypothyroidism)
- Inherited disorders (hereditary neuropathies), such as Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease and amyloid polyneuropathy
- Poison exposure, from toxins such as heavy metals, and certain medications and cancer treatments
How is neuropathy treated?
There are a variety of treatments available for peripheral neuropathy. They range from traditional pills and creams to special diets and therapies that stimulate the nervous system. Antidepressants, especially tricyclics and selective serotonin-norepinephrine re-uptake inhibitors (SNRI's), are a favored treatment for neuropathies. They will relieve neuropathic pain in non-depressed persons. Another class of medicines commonly prescribed for neuropathy is that of anticonvulsants. These medicines block calcium channels on neurons to limit pain. Opioid narcotic treatments for neuropathy are used as well to treat the condition, but are less favored because of the risk of dependency. However, opioids have been the most consistently effective in reducing pain.
The doctor has me on anticonvupsants. Gabapentin to be specific. It works, sort of. But the side effect is sleep. Exhaustion more accurately. The stuff puts me on my ass. Apparently some people actually use it as a sleep aid. So I'm trying to find the magic dose that allows me to stay awake and functional but keeps the pain to a minimum.
For some types of neuropathy, such as post-herpes neuralgia, physicians recommend treatment with a topical anesthetic such as lidocaine. Topical applications of capsaicin (the chemical that makes peppers hot) has also been used to treat neuropathic pain.
Alternative therapies for peripheral neuropathy include cannabinoids (an class of chemicals found in marijuana), Botulinum Toxin Type A (better known as Botox), NMDA antagonists (such as ketamine), dietary supplements (such as alpha lipoic and benfotiamine), chiropractic massages, yoga, meditation, cognitive therapy, and accupuncture.
I swear I'm about ready to start smoking pot.
A final class of therapies for neuropathy are called neuromodulators. These include both implantable and non-implantable technologies (electrical and chemical) such as spinal cord stimulators, implanted spinal pumps, electrodes that stimulate the motor cortex of the brain, and methods called deep brain stimulation.
Ohhhh, those sound fun. OK, not. No implanting nothin, nope, aint happening. Though I will say, sometimes when the pain gets bad I start to think amputation wouldn't totally suck. Yes, the pain is that bad.
To explain. Imagine dousing your feet in gas and then lighting them on fire. That's what it feels like. Or sticking your feet in a scalding hot bath tub. And nothing really makes the pain go away.
Friday, February 17, 2012
exercise ideas?????
I can say with confidence that mentally I have come a long, long way in the last year. I feel like a different person. Or, more accurately, I feel like myself. But I still have a battle with the weight. And I'm losing.
I've always been the fat kid. Then the fat teenager, then the fat adult. I've been fighting this war for many years. It's exhausting me. I'm tired of being the fat kid. I diet, or try to. I know it's my fault I'm fat. All I need do is get off my ass, move and eat less. Simple enough.
And then we follow with the two pages of stupid excuses. Lame ass reasons. Whining. And in the end not doing much of anything. Time after time after time.
I need to find an activity that I enjoy doing. Something that grabs my interest. And I don't know what that is. I like being in the water, but swimming just doesn't do it for me as far as exercise. Who am I kidding, nothing "does it" for me when it comes to exercise.
I guess I need to just shove myself out the chair and get to doing something.
I'm trying to cook healthy things ahead of time and put them in the freezer so I have no excuse to eat crap. We don't keep junk food in the house but I have a habit of always eating the easy stuff first. I have to quit doing that.
I'm watching K shrink day by day after having the surgery and I sometimes wish I could do it too. It pretty much forces you to eat better and less. If you don't, bad things happen. Sometimes I think that is what I need, that threat of pain, illness or worse. I have no self control when it comes to food and even less when it comes to exercise. And I hate that about myself.
I've always been the fat kid. Then the fat teenager, then the fat adult. I've been fighting this war for many years. It's exhausting me. I'm tired of being the fat kid. I diet, or try to. I know it's my fault I'm fat. All I need do is get off my ass, move and eat less. Simple enough.
And then we follow with the two pages of stupid excuses. Lame ass reasons. Whining. And in the end not doing much of anything. Time after time after time.
I need to find an activity that I enjoy doing. Something that grabs my interest. And I don't know what that is. I like being in the water, but swimming just doesn't do it for me as far as exercise. Who am I kidding, nothing "does it" for me when it comes to exercise.
I guess I need to just shove myself out the chair and get to doing something.
I'm trying to cook healthy things ahead of time and put them in the freezer so I have no excuse to eat crap. We don't keep junk food in the house but I have a habit of always eating the easy stuff first. I have to quit doing that.
I'm watching K shrink day by day after having the surgery and I sometimes wish I could do it too. It pretty much forces you to eat better and less. If you don't, bad things happen. Sometimes I think that is what I need, that threat of pain, illness or worse. I have no self control when it comes to food and even less when it comes to exercise. And I hate that about myself.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Confronting the fear
Head on. Jumping in the deep end, with the sharks, with a rock tied to me. Now I'm waiting for the phone to ring. I made myself do it. Fake it till I make it so to speak. Put myself out there and see what happens. Why not, nothing to lose by trying.
My new motto is "yep, I can do that". And I can. One way or another. I just have to remember to remind myself of that. I know how to do it, I have the skills to do, I am working on the self confidence to do it. And what better way to do that than to just do it.
I suddenly have goals, dreams, direction. It's a great feeling. The sails are full of wind and the helm is in my hands.
My new motto is "yep, I can do that". And I can. One way or another. I just have to remember to remind myself of that. I know how to do it, I have the skills to do, I am working on the self confidence to do it. And what better way to do that than to just do it.
I suddenly have goals, dreams, direction. It's a great feeling. The sails are full of wind and the helm is in my hands.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Island Park
I had a client that seems to have been satisfied with the work I did on their computers. I have another I will be talking with tomorrow. And a third who will be bringing me a computer to work on after the first of the month. And I've been up and going for a week.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
a hodge podge
Perhaps with finding some direction for my life (south), I will find the same in this blog. I feel like it's just the same thing written over and over again for the most part. I suppose it would help if I had anything of interest to write instead of the same ol same.
The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Wow, what a day. My first IT client. My first EIN (employer identification number). I got paid to play. To do something I love. It felt fantastic.
Now I have to keep at, keep building. Make sure I do everything the right way. And not let my fear of success sabotage me.
I've been "studying" the last couple days. Trying to get it all back in my head. School learning is fine, as is book learnin'. But nothing is better than applying that knowledge. And scary too. So much self doubt climbs into my head. So I do it at home first.
I now have a server set up at home that can be accessed from the web. Building firewalls and exception lists. Working on wireless networks. Feels good to use my brain again.
Now I have to keep at, keep building. Make sure I do everything the right way. And not let my fear of success sabotage me.
I've been "studying" the last couple days. Trying to get it all back in my head. School learning is fine, as is book learnin'. But nothing is better than applying that knowledge. And scary too. So much self doubt climbs into my head. So I do it at home first.
I now have a server set up at home that can be accessed from the web. Building firewalls and exception lists. Working on wireless networks. Feels good to use my brain again.
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