Life

So why is it that I still can't get my shit together and make a plan for the rest of my life? Here I am, almost done with at least my associates, and I'm wondering if I'm going in a direction I realy want to. Even after two years of school, I still feel like I know nothing about computers. I certainly don't feel qualified to go get a job in the field.

I can't help but ponder the past and think about the things I wanted to do when I was younger. Or at least thought I wanted to do. And just never got around to it. Lack of motivation sucks like that. But when you're chronically depressed, finding motivation and drive is really quite difficult. It's very easy to float through life and let things happen to you, instead of taking charge and making things happen for you. I still feel like life is happening to me, instead of feeling like I'm living it.

The few things I do enjoy doing are not things one can make a living at. And even if you could, I don't think I'm nearly good enough to do so.

Hopefully more therapy will help me get things under control and on track. I can't say back on track, because I don't think I ever have been. I spent most of my life wandering around, changing jobs, doing different things. Pretty much following in dad's footprints. To the same end, I'm afraid. At least now I actually understand why I am the way I am. That helps a little bit.
Perhaps I should attempt to write more, it seems some what therapeutic to put things down like this.

some more

Photography, such as it is

Taking another photography class this term, hoping for some motivation. It's hard to get out with the camera when you're stressed out and in pain, but I managed because I had to.

These are all taken at a community garden behind my house.

smoking

Good god, now I remember why I've always had a horrible time quitting. I HATE the way I feel. I don't think I'm the average addict, or maybe I am. The way lack of nicotine affects me is almost scary. Even on meds, my depression and anxiety go through the roof. My mood is horrible, massive headaches, tired, feel like crap. It sucks. I know I need to quit, and at the moment don't have money for them any way, but fucking hell.

?!?!?!?!?!?!?????!!!!!!huh? shit, I don't know

I keep thinking about writing in this thing and never seem to get around to it. can't seem to keep the thoughts in my hand long enough to type them. Either that, or I sit down to type them and blank goes the mind. That seems to happen a lot lately. Feel like a Ferrari stuck in the sand, motors doing 150, wheels are spinning in the sand. If I could accomplish half the shit that wanders through my mind, I'd be a lot better off than I am at the moment.

Sick. Again

Good grief. Again with the ear infection? Really? More antibiotics. Had my chest xrayed, no issues inside, so that's a good thing. Especially after smoking for so many years.
Speaking of smoking. Trying to quit, again. Hardest thing I've ever done. I keep failing at it. So, try, try again right? Between the cost and the health issues, I have to kick the damn things. Lots of gum. And suckers.

The struggle begins.

Current weight: 535.60 pounds
Height: 6' 4"
BMI: To high to measure
Goal Weight: 250
Pounds to lose: 285

Wow. That puts things in perspective a bit. Holey shit. I need to lose the equivalent of a large person. Well, I've made attempts in the past, many times, to lose weight. I've failed every time. I'm very good at making excuses for not doing it. No time, hurts to much, to busy........ If I keep it up my next excuse is going to be death.

So, I've decided to attempt to blog my weight lost struggles, my quitting smoking struggles and my sanity struggles. Perhaps to help me vent, but also to keep myself accountable to myself. I've finally got my mind in a better place, now it's time for the rest of me.

On the road, the long, long winding road

I almost feel like I'm in rehab, an addict jonesing for a fix. I have urges to sit down and eat an entire large pizza by myself. Something I've done many many times in the past. Or chow on multiple candy bars. But I won't. The urges are already becoming less frequent. I keep telling myself it's not an option. I actually have energy already. It's an odd change. Between the changes in my diet, attitude, sleep and medication, I feel so different. Now all I need to do is lose 300 pounds.

It feels good

How odd to have lots of energy. Sleeping good for the first time in, well, ever. Eating better. The juicer is fantastic. A friend gave me a magic bullet, that thing is great too. So, between the meds, the vitamins and trying to eat better, I actually feel better. Who'd of thunk it huh?

I'm finding it easier than I thought it would be to change my habits. It's not an over night thing, one step at a time, but I think I'm doing better at it than I thought I would. The one that's kicking my ass is the not smoking, that one is sooo very hard and I am not doing very well at it. I will though, I'm going to kick that shit too.

I'm so glad I finally found my motivation. I'm not sure exactly what caused it, but I suddenly feel a huge desire to change my life and my body. It's no longer a passing thought of "I really need to". It's not even something I would call a goal, more like an imperative. It must happen, it will happen, it is happening. No more "I'm going to do it", instead, I AM doing it.

On the road

To a new life. Making lifestyle changes one at a time. Making better choices in what I eat, working on getting healthy. I finally made it through a sleep study and set up with a cpap that actually works the way it's supposed to. It's been kind of bizarre to actually sleep. I was having 172 sleep disturbances an hour. My oxygen levels were down to 72% while I was sleeping. That's insane, and scary as hell. Working on quitting smoking. That's a hard one, such a hard habit to break, been so many years and it's such a part of my life. But I'm going to do it. One step at a time.

Bought a juicer yesterday to try and help eat better. I hate vegetables, so I'm hoping the juicer will help me get more of them in my diet. So many issues to work through, knee pain, back pain, low energy, excessive weight. I will fix them, all of them. There is no other viable option. Taking it one step at a time. It's going to be a long road, but I will make it.