So I got my lab results today from my doctor visit last week. I must say, I was rather surprised. My vitamin D was low, but hey, I live in Oregon. So I have vitamin D pills to take every week for a little while. Thyroid is fine. Blood counts are all good. Even my cholesterol is not bad, well, my HDL levels are ok, my LDL on the other hand, wow, very high.
Total cholesterol: 162
Triglycerides: 287 ouch! Not entirely sure why that is. Doing some research.
HDL: 30
LDL: 75
Need to drop that LDL number a lot. Apparently a life time of being obese has taken its toll on my arteries. That's OK, we can fix that.
Glycohemoglobin: 5.4(less than 7 is good) so I'm not even close to be diabetic. Good news, mostly. OK, it's good news.
So apparently I've got all the right amount of this and that floating around in me, with the exception of those nasty LDLs. So, all in all, not bad for a fat guy who's smoked for 20 years, gets very little exercise and has a multitude of other issues with his (mine) body.
So, what this all tells me is there is hope for a healthy future. I haven't declined quite as far as I had thought before. Yes, I have a lot of weight to lose, but I can do that. I've quit smoking. It's been 4 weeks, I thinks it's almost official, I can pretty much call myself and ex smoker. 20 years later.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
week 3
That's right, it's been three weeks since I quit smoking. I've had a smoke here and there, but not many. I still want one, but I don't WANT one. I finally feel like I've kicked the habit.
It's crazy how much better I feel. I can breath better. I'm not as out of breath all the time. I think I'm even sleeping better. When you smoke, you know it's bad for you. If you don't, you're an idiot. You know what it's doing to your body. But the honest truth is, you don't care. Smoking is like any other drug.
So why keep smoking? What do we get out of it? Must be a reason we spend all that money and do so much damage to out bodies. Yep. There is. Nicotine does the following:
I guess I just got the point where I couldn't think of and valid reasons to keep smoking but a ton of reasons to quit. And every day I make it without one, the better I feel. So every day I make it, I feel better about my decision to stop.
It's crazy how much better I feel. I can breath better. I'm not as out of breath all the time. I think I'm even sleeping better. When you smoke, you know it's bad for you. If you don't, you're an idiot. You know what it's doing to your body. But the honest truth is, you don't care. Smoking is like any other drug.
So why keep smoking? What do we get out of it? Must be a reason we spend all that money and do so much damage to out bodies. Yep. There is. Nicotine does the following:
- Decreases the appetite (for this reason, the fear of weight gain affects some people's willingness to stop smoking).
- Boosts mood and may even relieve minor depression. Many people will feel a sense of well-being. (This is one reason I have had such a hard time quitting over the years and probably one of the reasons I've been successful time around. I finally have a handle on the depression)
- Raises the blood level of blood sugar (glucose) and increases insulin production.
- Increases bowel activity, saliva, and phlegm.
- Increases heart rate by around 10 to 20 beats per minute.
- Increases blood pressure by 5 to 10 mmHg (because it tightens the blood vessels).
- May cause sweating, nausea, and diarrhea.
- Stimulates memory and alertness. People who use tobacco often depend on it to help them accomplish certain tasks and perform well.
- I must say, I never experienced the above mentioned bowel issues when I attempted to quit previously. This time though. Ya, um. Why exactly does nicotine cause that issue?
- An intense craving for nicotine (No shit?)
- Anxiety, tension, restlessness, frustration, or impatience
- Difficulty concentrating
- Drowsiness or trouble sleeping, as well as bad dreams and nightmares
- Headaches
- Increased appetite and weight gain(pfff, like anyone would notice. Keep smoking, the cancer will take of those extra pounds)
- Irritability or depression (personally it does both to me)
- Tingling in the hands and feet
- Sweating
- Intestinal disorders (cramps, nausea)<--------THEY AINT KIDDIN WITH THIS ONE!
- Cold symptoms as the lungs begin to clear (sore throats, coughing, and other signs of colds and respiratory problem)This one is NASTY.
I guess I just got the point where I couldn't think of and valid reasons to keep smoking but a ton of reasons to quit. And every day I make it without one, the better I feel. So every day I make it, I feel better about my decision to stop.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
The beginings of a plan
So I've been thinking about many things lately. Working on changing my life. I am no longer using words like may, might, could, attempt, try or anything else that implies a lack of success. I am reading about holistic alternatives. And I will continue to write about what I find, what I try and what does and does not work for me.
I have many theories and ideas. Thoughts, followed by many excuses. Now I am going to make a plan. I know this, I can't find work right now. I am at home all the time. There is no reason not to move more and get exercise. I am going to make a weekly schedule of activities. Start slow and work my way up. I need to strengthen my knees and lose weight. Those are the two primary goals at this time.
I don't have a specific weight loss goal. Just healthy. I refuse to become obsessive about pounds. I know that, as with smoking, every day I work and every pound I lose will help me feel better. I must stay motivated through the pain. If I want to make the pain go away, it's going to hurt, no way around that.
I have many theories and ideas. Thoughts, followed by many excuses. Now I am going to make a plan. I know this, I can't find work right now. I am at home all the time. There is no reason not to move more and get exercise. I am going to make a weekly schedule of activities. Start slow and work my way up. I need to strengthen my knees and lose weight. Those are the two primary goals at this time.
I don't have a specific weight loss goal. Just healthy. I refuse to become obsessive about pounds. I know that, as with smoking, every day I work and every pound I lose will help me feel better. I must stay motivated through the pain. If I want to make the pain go away, it's going to hurt, no way around that.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
My iWILL
These are the promises I make to myself. The things I will. The steps required to achieve my goals.
So then, after the iWILL comes the iCAN. The things I can do to achieve my goals.
I know one thing for sure. I hurt all the time whether I do anything or not. So, I may as well be productive if I'm going to hurt.
- I will change the way I view food and my relationship with food
- I will listen to my body and not my brain
- I will only eat when I am hungry
- I will no eat out of boredom or depression
- I will eat only when I need to and not when I want to
- I will change what I eat and what I put in my body
- I will change how I eat
- I will sit less and move more
- I will not allow myself to make excuses
- I will not allow the pain to stop me from achieving my goals
- I will not allow the depression to take control and stop me
- I will not allow negative thinking to control my decisions
- I will make better choices in what I eat
- I will do at least one thing every single day to myself better
- I will succeed
- I will be happy
- I will be healthy
So then, after the iWILL comes the iCAN. The things I can do to achieve my goals.
- swim more, no excuses
- walk more, even if only to the mailbox
- use the workout videos I have at my disposal
- go for slow walks with my camera
- perhaps find a tai chi class
- there are many more things I can do, I simply need to figure out what they are
The long long road
It's going one of two place. A hole in the ground, or a healthy and happy me. I have many many things in my life I need to work on. Finding a job, my kids, finishing school. The list could go on for pages. But, for now, I need to focus on me. I need to focus on my health. I can do nothing if I'm dead or if I continue in my current condition.
I know what all my issues are. I now need to work on fixing them. Starting with my health. More accurately, my weight. My weight is the key to so many things, as well as the cause. I need to focus on my diet, my exercise, what I eat, when I eat, how I eat. I have to change it all.
My mantra has become focus on the future, focus on the goals and think about what it is I want and why I have to do what I'm doing.
Quitting smoking is a fairly simple concept. Not so easy in reality, but simple in theory. Just don't light one and suck on it. Easy peasy. Getting healthy, not so simplistic. I have to find a starting point. I have to establish goals and I have to stick to them. The general idea behind weight loss is quite simple. Eat less, move more.
That seems simple enough. And for some people, like those able to stop smoking when ever they feel like it, I suppose it is that simple. For people like me, it's far from easy. Depression is an evil monster. It sneaks out and takes over so many parts of your life. Chronic pain adds to the depression. It's easy to sit in pain and think about what you should be doing. But the pain takes over, feeds the depression and hope becomes a lost concept.
So then, how do I succeed. With my mental issues and my physical issues. With my complete lack of budget. What do I need to do so that I can stay motivated, so that I stop sabotaging myself. I spend many days sitting here having a pity party, feeling sorry for myself, instead of doing something about it. I will no longer allow myself to do that.
Like smoking, so many of my problems are related to years old habits. Habits around food, how and what I eat, habits regarding exercise, or rather the lack of. I have to retrain my mind and my body. I must changed the way I live before I no longer live.
I will develop a plan. What is that plan? How do I get started? My current weight is 540 pounds. I have high blood pressure, chronic pain, back pain, knee pain, everything pain from packing around so much weight. So many of my problems directly relate to my weight. So, what am I going to do about this? I think it's going to be a constantly evolving work in progress, just like me. I do know that none of these BS fad diets work.
The first thing I am doing is reminding myself why I need to do this. My quality of life will greatly improve. Self esteem, energy, employability, they will all improve. I'll be able to play with my kids. I'll be able to do the things I want to do instead of watching and wishing I wasn't so fat. There is no downside to downsizing.
I know what all my issues are. I now need to work on fixing them. Starting with my health. More accurately, my weight. My weight is the key to so many things, as well as the cause. I need to focus on my diet, my exercise, what I eat, when I eat, how I eat. I have to change it all.
My mantra has become focus on the future, focus on the goals and think about what it is I want and why I have to do what I'm doing.
Quitting smoking is a fairly simple concept. Not so easy in reality, but simple in theory. Just don't light one and suck on it. Easy peasy. Getting healthy, not so simplistic. I have to find a starting point. I have to establish goals and I have to stick to them. The general idea behind weight loss is quite simple. Eat less, move more.
That seems simple enough. And for some people, like those able to stop smoking when ever they feel like it, I suppose it is that simple. For people like me, it's far from easy. Depression is an evil monster. It sneaks out and takes over so many parts of your life. Chronic pain adds to the depression. It's easy to sit in pain and think about what you should be doing. But the pain takes over, feeds the depression and hope becomes a lost concept.
So then, how do I succeed. With my mental issues and my physical issues. With my complete lack of budget. What do I need to do so that I can stay motivated, so that I stop sabotaging myself. I spend many days sitting here having a pity party, feeling sorry for myself, instead of doing something about it. I will no longer allow myself to do that.
Like smoking, so many of my problems are related to years old habits. Habits around food, how and what I eat, habits regarding exercise, or rather the lack of. I have to retrain my mind and my body. I must changed the way I live before I no longer live.
I will develop a plan. What is that plan? How do I get started? My current weight is 540 pounds. I have high blood pressure, chronic pain, back pain, knee pain, everything pain from packing around so much weight. So many of my problems directly relate to my weight. So, what am I going to do about this? I think it's going to be a constantly evolving work in progress, just like me. I do know that none of these BS fad diets work.
The first thing I am doing is reminding myself why I need to do this. My quality of life will greatly improve. Self esteem, energy, employability, they will all improve. I'll be able to play with my kids. I'll be able to do the things I want to do instead of watching and wishing I wasn't so fat. There is no downside to downsizing.
The on going struggle to survive
The last couple of days I have felt horrid. The nicotine withdrawals climbed into my head and took me to a very bad place. I hate that place. Sometimes I get stuck there and can't find my way out. At least now I have a key to the door. I despise the way I feel while quitting smoking. The control that is has over me, the way it can make me feel. The way it opens the door for the depression. The cravings sneak up and hit me like a wall.
I know that I can do this. I can kick this habit. I want to kick this habit, I need to kick this habit. I will not allow it to have so much power over my life anymore.
I've got a few patches. They help. Some. The worst part of quitting, worse than the depression, worse than the cravings, worse than the mood swings, I have a huge urge to graze. To nibble on this and that, like a little rat in cupboard. I can't give in to that urge either.
I know this, if I can quit smoking, I can do anything. This has become more than a simple goal. It's a personal challenge, a fight. It is a battle of will. Of my will. To find out how strong I truly am. I will not be a slave to nicotine anymore. I refuse.
I have so many new goals for myself. So many things I want and need to accomplish. I have to win this battle I'm fighting with myself. I am, after all, my own worst enemy. But I know, without a doubt, I can not continue to live the way I have been. I can not continue to be miserable. I can not continue to be in pain. I just won't do it anymore.
Some days the pain is so intense through my entire body all I want to do is take drugs and lay in bed. I know that won't help. If anything it would make the problems worse. It's what I've been doing for years. Simply ignoring the issues and surviving from day to day. I've been miserable.
I ask myself many times a day, what can I do to change things, to make things better. The answers frequently elude me. Or perhaps it's that I ignore them. I know that I need to move more. I need to just get up and do anything. Instead, I sit and hurt and do what I can to keep the monster in its cage. When the monster tries to escape it makes things more difficult. The depression takes over. Or tries to. I've finally learned the name of the monster and I've learned how to put it back in its cage. I will not let it take my life over again.
I quit smoking, mostly. I found the strength inside to do it. Some part of me that has been sleeping for so many years is finally awake. It's still groggy, but it's waking. It's the part of me that doesn't want to be fat, the part that wants to be healthy and productive. The part that wants to live past 40.
But this brings me to the question I seem to have such a hard time answering. The question that plagues me daily. That question is, how do I fix myself. How to I fix my body and get to a point that allows me to do the things I want? When you've let your body get to the point mine is at, how do you get back?
I weigh 540 pounds. I'm as big around as I am tall. I have chronic pain. I know all this, I've written about it in the past. I can go round and round and round about it, but that accomplishes nothing.
I know that I can do this. I can kick this habit. I want to kick this habit, I need to kick this habit. I will not allow it to have so much power over my life anymore.
I've got a few patches. They help. Some. The worst part of quitting, worse than the depression, worse than the cravings, worse than the mood swings, I have a huge urge to graze. To nibble on this and that, like a little rat in cupboard. I can't give in to that urge either.
I know this, if I can quit smoking, I can do anything. This has become more than a simple goal. It's a personal challenge, a fight. It is a battle of will. Of my will. To find out how strong I truly am. I will not be a slave to nicotine anymore. I refuse.
I have so many new goals for myself. So many things I want and need to accomplish. I have to win this battle I'm fighting with myself. I am, after all, my own worst enemy. But I know, without a doubt, I can not continue to live the way I have been. I can not continue to be miserable. I can not continue to be in pain. I just won't do it anymore.
Some days the pain is so intense through my entire body all I want to do is take drugs and lay in bed. I know that won't help. If anything it would make the problems worse. It's what I've been doing for years. Simply ignoring the issues and surviving from day to day. I've been miserable.
I ask myself many times a day, what can I do to change things, to make things better. The answers frequently elude me. Or perhaps it's that I ignore them. I know that I need to move more. I need to just get up and do anything. Instead, I sit and hurt and do what I can to keep the monster in its cage. When the monster tries to escape it makes things more difficult. The depression takes over. Or tries to. I've finally learned the name of the monster and I've learned how to put it back in its cage. I will not let it take my life over again.
I quit smoking, mostly. I found the strength inside to do it. Some part of me that has been sleeping for so many years is finally awake. It's still groggy, but it's waking. It's the part of me that doesn't want to be fat, the part that wants to be healthy and productive. The part that wants to live past 40.
But this brings me to the question I seem to have such a hard time answering. The question that plagues me daily. That question is, how do I fix myself. How to I fix my body and get to a point that allows me to do the things I want? When you've let your body get to the point mine is at, how do you get back?
I weigh 540 pounds. I'm as big around as I am tall. I have chronic pain. I know all this, I've written about it in the past. I can go round and round and round about it, but that accomplishes nothing.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Who is your worst enemy?
I know who mine is. Myself. My mind. My plethora of excuses. I seem always able to find a good reason to not do something. I'm tired, I hurt, I just don't want to. I look at what I've allowed to happen to my body and get overwhelmed. It seems like such a huge (pun most certainly intended) undertaking that just getting started is a struggle.
I try to eat healthy, make better choices and what happens? I gain weight. I try and keep a positive attitude and have days like today that just kick my ass. I try not to feel sorry for myself, and then my chair breaks under my fat ass, reminding me just have large I've gotten. It's a lot to take in and deal with.
I despise being fat and out of shape. I absolutely hate the way I look, the way I feel, the fact that I can't do most of the things I want to do. I didn't really think about much in the past, the shroud of depression kept me from thinking about many things. But now, especially with being single and trying to meet people, I am constantly reminded of how others see me.
If I was a woman, I wouldn't want anything to do with me. I weigh 540 pounds. I'm almost as big around as I am tall. Just making it up the stairs is a workout for me. I know all I need to do is lose weight. Should be simple. Eat less, move more right? That's all there is to it. Except that no matter how hard I try to not let the depression in, many times I fail. Once it's in, it takes over. And then I have days like today. Days when everything feels impossible. Days when I just don't care. When all I want to do is give up.
I hate those days. I hate those days almost as much as I hate being fat. I can literally feel the negative thoughts crawling around in my brain, like a worm. A hungry worm that feeds on my positive thoughts, on my will power, on my desire to do anything. The depression scares me sometimes with how strong it can be. How totally insidious and sneaky. It just pops up suddenly.
At least at this point in life I know what it is, I recognize the feelings and I know them for what they are. I try not to let them take over. But some days, days like today, they're overwhelming. It's like being stuck inside jello, you can see out, just barely. But moving is impossible.
I need some kind of drastic change. I don't know what. Some intense motivation. A muse perhaps. I need someone who can see the person I want to be and help me achieve that goal. I just don't think I have the power to do it on my own. The strength I lack, when taken over by the negative.
I try to eat healthy, make better choices and what happens? I gain weight. I try and keep a positive attitude and have days like today that just kick my ass. I try not to feel sorry for myself, and then my chair breaks under my fat ass, reminding me just have large I've gotten. It's a lot to take in and deal with.
I despise being fat and out of shape. I absolutely hate the way I look, the way I feel, the fact that I can't do most of the things I want to do. I didn't really think about much in the past, the shroud of depression kept me from thinking about many things. But now, especially with being single and trying to meet people, I am constantly reminded of how others see me.
If I was a woman, I wouldn't want anything to do with me. I weigh 540 pounds. I'm almost as big around as I am tall. Just making it up the stairs is a workout for me. I know all I need to do is lose weight. Should be simple. Eat less, move more right? That's all there is to it. Except that no matter how hard I try to not let the depression in, many times I fail. Once it's in, it takes over. And then I have days like today. Days when everything feels impossible. Days when I just don't care. When all I want to do is give up.
I hate those days. I hate those days almost as much as I hate being fat. I can literally feel the negative thoughts crawling around in my brain, like a worm. A hungry worm that feeds on my positive thoughts, on my will power, on my desire to do anything. The depression scares me sometimes with how strong it can be. How totally insidious and sneaky. It just pops up suddenly.
At least at this point in life I know what it is, I recognize the feelings and I know them for what they are. I try not to let them take over. But some days, days like today, they're overwhelming. It's like being stuck inside jello, you can see out, just barely. But moving is impossible.
I need some kind of drastic change. I don't know what. Some intense motivation. A muse perhaps. I need someone who can see the person I want to be and help me achieve that goal. I just don't think I have the power to do it on my own. The strength I lack, when taken over by the negative.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
A fat nation
So I was sitting on my ass last night watching television. Something I really don't do very often these days. I started paying attention to the advertisements. What did I see? Food, alcohol, drugs and cars. Yep, that's about it.
I saw adds for pizza using professional sports players. Because we all know that football players eat the hell out of the pizza to stay in shape. Then we had good old McDonalds using a multitude of sports stars I've never heard of to sell crap burgers. Then we had adds for processed crap in a box. Make your family happy in minutes, feed them this shit. Hmm, and why are we all so fat?
What's next. Liqueur adds. Yep, several of those. Let's promote a little alcoholism. And when you're done getting your drink on you can pop over to the bell for "4th meal". Because we all know nothing ends a day better than a 3000 calorie burrito with enough sodium to kill a cow. Yummy.
Have you noticed that the phone books these days now have an entire section devoted to restaurant menus? Next time you go shopping, pay attention to how the store is laid out. What's usually in front? Junk. Bags of chips, soda, cookies. What do you see when checking out? Soda, candy, more crap.
Have you ever noticed how many stores have entire isles dedicated to chips and soda but finding healthy food is like a treasure hunt. Junk food is cheaper. How many frozen burritos can you buy for the cost of making 4 of them from scratch for dinner? And we wonder why we're so fat. How many fast food restaurants do you pass on an average day?
Everything is easier these days. We drive everyplace. We order things to go so we don't even have to walk through the store. We've become fat, lazy and stupid. A nation of worker bee consumers.
Personally I have decided to make some fairly drastic changes in my lifestyle. I need to do them for my sanity, for my budget and for my health. And the funny thing is, I don't miss the things I've given up. I've noticed that the very few times I have eaten fast food it's tasted horrible to me. These things that once sustained me on an almost daily basis, these things I craved. Now, they taste like what they are, sodium filled, processed, fake crap.
I rarely eat candy bars anymore. I lost the taste for things so sweet. I have on occasionally as a treat. Pizza I no longer order. If I want a pizza I make it myself. Do you know how much cheaper and healthier it is to make pizza? And you can put what ever you want on it. When I want something sweet, I bake a nice sweet bread. I control what goes in it, I can make it as healthy or as bad as I want.
I make waffles now and freeze them. Have you ever looked at the ingredients in frozen waffles? Or the nutrition label?
Maybe it's my subtle little way of fighting the norm. Or maybe it really is a lifestyle change and a method for getting healthy. I've found that I love to cook. And the things you can make. You can find a recipe for anything. All it takes is some practice, some patience and a couple trips to the store. Want a home made bigmac? I can do that. Chicken nuggets? I can do that too.
I saw adds for pizza using professional sports players. Because we all know that football players eat the hell out of the pizza to stay in shape. Then we had good old McDonalds using a multitude of sports stars I've never heard of to sell crap burgers. Then we had adds for processed crap in a box. Make your family happy in minutes, feed them this shit. Hmm, and why are we all so fat?
What's next. Liqueur adds. Yep, several of those. Let's promote a little alcoholism. And when you're done getting your drink on you can pop over to the bell for "4th meal". Because we all know nothing ends a day better than a 3000 calorie burrito with enough sodium to kill a cow. Yummy.
Have you noticed that the phone books these days now have an entire section devoted to restaurant menus? Next time you go shopping, pay attention to how the store is laid out. What's usually in front? Junk. Bags of chips, soda, cookies. What do you see when checking out? Soda, candy, more crap.
Have you ever noticed how many stores have entire isles dedicated to chips and soda but finding healthy food is like a treasure hunt. Junk food is cheaper. How many frozen burritos can you buy for the cost of making 4 of them from scratch for dinner? And we wonder why we're so fat. How many fast food restaurants do you pass on an average day?
Everything is easier these days. We drive everyplace. We order things to go so we don't even have to walk through the store. We've become fat, lazy and stupid. A nation of worker bee consumers.
Personally I have decided to make some fairly drastic changes in my lifestyle. I need to do them for my sanity, for my budget and for my health. And the funny thing is, I don't miss the things I've given up. I've noticed that the very few times I have eaten fast food it's tasted horrible to me. These things that once sustained me on an almost daily basis, these things I craved. Now, they taste like what they are, sodium filled, processed, fake crap.
I rarely eat candy bars anymore. I lost the taste for things so sweet. I have on occasionally as a treat. Pizza I no longer order. If I want a pizza I make it myself. Do you know how much cheaper and healthier it is to make pizza? And you can put what ever you want on it. When I want something sweet, I bake a nice sweet bread. I control what goes in it, I can make it as healthy or as bad as I want.
I make waffles now and freeze them. Have you ever looked at the ingredients in frozen waffles? Or the nutrition label?
Maybe it's my subtle little way of fighting the norm. Or maybe it really is a lifestyle change and a method for getting healthy. I've found that I love to cook. And the things you can make. You can find a recipe for anything. All it takes is some practice, some patience and a couple trips to the store. Want a home made bigmac? I can do that. Chicken nuggets? I can do that too.
So now what
That is the question that continues to plague me. I know some things to be absolute. I will lose weight. I will get healthy. I will change my life, the way I live, the way I eat, the way I do pretty much everything.
But what else? I need direction, I need purpose. Above and beyond getting healthy. I finally know what I don't want. I know what doesn't work. I know what not to do. When I try to imagine my future, I come up blank. I try to think of what I want to do with the rest of my life and I come up blank.
On one hand I feel like I should simply focus on my health, on getting better, on fixing the issues in my life. On the other hand, I am very tired of not having an income. I despise the fact that I depend on Government assistance to survive. I hate the fact that I can not afford the things I want, or even the things I need. I feel like an unproductive burden on society. I feel like I should be doing something.
I feel very unemployable at this point in time. I have so many personal issues I need to work on. Mental and physical. I can't stand for any amount of time. I can't walk more than a hundred feet or so without stopping. I have issues staying awake because I'm absolutely exhausted. Just moving takes a ton of energy. When a person gets to be my size, everything takes extra effort.
So, the question remains, what do I do? I know that I will continue to work on myself. But there has to be more to life than that. My kids, of course. But I need more. I need an income. I need goals, I need inspiration. I need friends. I need activities, things to do, places to go.
I spent so much of my life avoiding people, blocking them out and closing myself off to any and all outside input. I didn't feel like being around people. I always felt like the outsider, or the person everyone was laughing at. That seems to have changed lately. I find lately that I crave adult company, conversation and interaction. I want friends now, people to hang out with, do things with. The problem is, I don't seem to have those skills, I don't think I ever had them.
So, I shall continue to work on me. I have goals. I will achieve them. The rest, I hope, will fall in place. We shall see.
But what else? I need direction, I need purpose. Above and beyond getting healthy. I finally know what I don't want. I know what doesn't work. I know what not to do. When I try to imagine my future, I come up blank. I try to think of what I want to do with the rest of my life and I come up blank.
On one hand I feel like I should simply focus on my health, on getting better, on fixing the issues in my life. On the other hand, I am very tired of not having an income. I despise the fact that I depend on Government assistance to survive. I hate the fact that I can not afford the things I want, or even the things I need. I feel like an unproductive burden on society. I feel like I should be doing something.
I feel very unemployable at this point in time. I have so many personal issues I need to work on. Mental and physical. I can't stand for any amount of time. I can't walk more than a hundred feet or so without stopping. I have issues staying awake because I'm absolutely exhausted. Just moving takes a ton of energy. When a person gets to be my size, everything takes extra effort.
So, the question remains, what do I do? I know that I will continue to work on myself. But there has to be more to life than that. My kids, of course. But I need more. I need an income. I need goals, I need inspiration. I need friends. I need activities, things to do, places to go.
I spent so much of my life avoiding people, blocking them out and closing myself off to any and all outside input. I didn't feel like being around people. I always felt like the outsider, or the person everyone was laughing at. That seems to have changed lately. I find lately that I crave adult company, conversation and interaction. I want friends now, people to hang out with, do things with. The problem is, I don't seem to have those skills, I don't think I ever had them.
So, I shall continue to work on me. I have goals. I will achieve them. The rest, I hope, will fall in place. We shall see.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Memories
Or, my life as I remember it. What I even remember. Though, I'm noticing that I can remember more and more as I progress with my therapy and getting in touch with myself. I know where I was born and when, Gold Beach Oregon, December 1973. That was the beginning, or so I'm told. I know where I am today. But so much in between the two, I don't remember.
I find lately that I think about the past. Especially as memories come back. I wonder, is it exactly how things happened? Probably not. Is it completely factual? Highly unlikely. It is in my memories. But the people, the places, the events, they all mix and mash together into a confusing jumble.
Things are slowly becoming more clear to me. The fog that has shrouded so many of my memories and so many years of my life is finally lifting. Many patches of dense fog still remain, hiding places, faces and events from my minds eye. Like a recovering amnesiac, one memory triggers another. Every day it seems I remember a little more, understand a little more.
Still, I can only put together a rough time line of my life. Many holes still exist. Some things I have only a vague memory of, others, no memory at all.
What do I remember? The things that made me who I am. The things that caused me to climb inside myself for so many years. I remember moving constantly. I remember my pets getting killed, given away or left behind. I remember leaving friends every time I finally made one. I remember my parents arguing constantly. I didn't deal with these things well.
I remember a lot of anger, resentment, fear and lack of hope. I remember constantly wondering when I would come home to be told we had to move again. I remember becoming very jaded, bitter and cynical at a young age. I now remember shutting off, no longer letting myself feel or care. I remember giving up. I stopped trying. And then the depression took over my life.
I have spent most of my life floating along. I've always taken the easy way. I've let other people dictate how I lived and what I did. After all, this was my childhood, it's all I knew. I simply didn't care, about anything. I didn't care if I lived or if I died. I didn't care how I lived, I didn't care if I lost a job, a friend, a relationship. And most of all, I stopped caring about my mental and physical health.
That was my life, year after year. Closing myself off and being numb to everything. I tried making things better with alcohol. That certainly didn't work. I tried moving, like my father, searching for something new in a different town. It never occurred to me that the problem wasn't the location.
I became an expert at avoidance, deflection and denial. Nothing was ever my fault, I always found blame in others, but never myself.
All of this caused me to abuse my body for years. I didn't care. I think it was a subconscious attempt to kill myself. I really didn't care if I lived. I woke up so many mornings with the thought in my my of "shit, I'm not dead". So at some point I just decided to eat.
I've used food as an escape for years. Used it to fill an endless void in my life. Used it to build a shield of fat to keep people away. Fat makes a wonderful barrier. It's superb at keeping people away, at forcing them to keep their distance. And when you don't care if you live or die, you don't care how fat you get. I developed a very dysfunctional relationship with food. I love food and food has tried to kill me.
I've spent years eating simply to eat. Eating because, even though it's momentary, it comforts. It's a friend. I forgot what hunger actually felt like. I would just eat. Food was a wonderful thing to me. Food doesn't leave, it doesn't die, it doesn't yell. Food simply fills the belly. It provides warmth and comfort. And I recently realized that without some drastic changes food would eventually kill me. And I suddenly care if I live or die.
I developed a desire to live at some point recently. Not sure exactly when it happened, or exactly why. But it has been a very drastic change in the way I think and the way I feel and the way I choose to live. My past has made me who I am today. My past does not control my future. It is time to regain control of my life.
It feels almost like a rebirth. I'm starting all over again, from a new beginning. I can learn from my past, but I will no longer let it control me. I feel like I have so much to do. Like I have an entire life to make up. I must get healthy. For me, for my kids, for my sanity. I can not, no, I will not continue to live the way I have. I refuse to be a slave to food any more. I refuse to do nothing because of the pain. I can do something and hurt or I can do nothing and hurt. Either way I hurt.
I'm learning skills I never developed in my previous life. I'm learning to listen to my body instead of my mind. I am stopping to think, am I truly hungry, or do I just think I'm hungry. Is it truly hunger, or is it boredom. Am I eating because I need to, or because I want to.
I'm changing the way I eat. I'm working on eating slower. I'm cooking real meals. I'm avoiding drive throughs and buffets. I've changed how I shop and what I buy. I no longer eat a candy bar a day. I eat one perhaps once a month. I've stopped ordering pizza because I don't feel like cooking. I've quit buying frozen, processed crap.
Not only am I changing how I eat, but what I eat as well. I'm adding vegetables into my diet. I've always avoided vegetables, never liked the. I'm adding more whole grains, another thing I never liked in the past. Fish and lean meat instead of hamburger. Pasta was once a main staple, now it's a side, or something that gets eaten a couple times a month instead of every couple days.
And it all seems to be working. I feel better. I have more energy. My attitude seems better. I'm not feeling as depressed. I've even quit smoking. I have a new found desire to get and stay healthy. Failure is not an option. Failure means death. If I don't change now I won't get the chance later.
The most important thing of all is, I want this. I need this. I desire this. I'm finally ready. It's not like in the past, just a passing thought. This is a strong desire. It's what I think about most of the time. It's a slow road, but if they can move an entire bridge down the road, I can move myself.
Now if I could just get myself to focus on things for more than 30 seconds at a time. It's really quite annoying.
I find lately that I think about the past. Especially as memories come back. I wonder, is it exactly how things happened? Probably not. Is it completely factual? Highly unlikely. It is in my memories. But the people, the places, the events, they all mix and mash together into a confusing jumble.
Things are slowly becoming more clear to me. The fog that has shrouded so many of my memories and so many years of my life is finally lifting. Many patches of dense fog still remain, hiding places, faces and events from my minds eye. Like a recovering amnesiac, one memory triggers another. Every day it seems I remember a little more, understand a little more.
Still, I can only put together a rough time line of my life. Many holes still exist. Some things I have only a vague memory of, others, no memory at all.
What do I remember? The things that made me who I am. The things that caused me to climb inside myself for so many years. I remember moving constantly. I remember my pets getting killed, given away or left behind. I remember leaving friends every time I finally made one. I remember my parents arguing constantly. I didn't deal with these things well.
I remember a lot of anger, resentment, fear and lack of hope. I remember constantly wondering when I would come home to be told we had to move again. I remember becoming very jaded, bitter and cynical at a young age. I now remember shutting off, no longer letting myself feel or care. I remember giving up. I stopped trying. And then the depression took over my life.
I have spent most of my life floating along. I've always taken the easy way. I've let other people dictate how I lived and what I did. After all, this was my childhood, it's all I knew. I simply didn't care, about anything. I didn't care if I lived or if I died. I didn't care how I lived, I didn't care if I lost a job, a friend, a relationship. And most of all, I stopped caring about my mental and physical health.
That was my life, year after year. Closing myself off and being numb to everything. I tried making things better with alcohol. That certainly didn't work. I tried moving, like my father, searching for something new in a different town. It never occurred to me that the problem wasn't the location.
I became an expert at avoidance, deflection and denial. Nothing was ever my fault, I always found blame in others, but never myself.
All of this caused me to abuse my body for years. I didn't care. I think it was a subconscious attempt to kill myself. I really didn't care if I lived. I woke up so many mornings with the thought in my my of "shit, I'm not dead". So at some point I just decided to eat.
I've used food as an escape for years. Used it to fill an endless void in my life. Used it to build a shield of fat to keep people away. Fat makes a wonderful barrier. It's superb at keeping people away, at forcing them to keep their distance. And when you don't care if you live or die, you don't care how fat you get. I developed a very dysfunctional relationship with food. I love food and food has tried to kill me.
I've spent years eating simply to eat. Eating because, even though it's momentary, it comforts. It's a friend. I forgot what hunger actually felt like. I would just eat. Food was a wonderful thing to me. Food doesn't leave, it doesn't die, it doesn't yell. Food simply fills the belly. It provides warmth and comfort. And I recently realized that without some drastic changes food would eventually kill me. And I suddenly care if I live or die.
I developed a desire to live at some point recently. Not sure exactly when it happened, or exactly why. But it has been a very drastic change in the way I think and the way I feel and the way I choose to live. My past has made me who I am today. My past does not control my future. It is time to regain control of my life.
It feels almost like a rebirth. I'm starting all over again, from a new beginning. I can learn from my past, but I will no longer let it control me. I feel like I have so much to do. Like I have an entire life to make up. I must get healthy. For me, for my kids, for my sanity. I can not, no, I will not continue to live the way I have. I refuse to be a slave to food any more. I refuse to do nothing because of the pain. I can do something and hurt or I can do nothing and hurt. Either way I hurt.
I'm learning skills I never developed in my previous life. I'm learning to listen to my body instead of my mind. I am stopping to think, am I truly hungry, or do I just think I'm hungry. Is it truly hunger, or is it boredom. Am I eating because I need to, or because I want to.
I'm changing the way I eat. I'm working on eating slower. I'm cooking real meals. I'm avoiding drive throughs and buffets. I've changed how I shop and what I buy. I no longer eat a candy bar a day. I eat one perhaps once a month. I've stopped ordering pizza because I don't feel like cooking. I've quit buying frozen, processed crap.
Not only am I changing how I eat, but what I eat as well. I'm adding vegetables into my diet. I've always avoided vegetables, never liked the. I'm adding more whole grains, another thing I never liked in the past. Fish and lean meat instead of hamburger. Pasta was once a main staple, now it's a side, or something that gets eaten a couple times a month instead of every couple days.
And it all seems to be working. I feel better. I have more energy. My attitude seems better. I'm not feeling as depressed. I've even quit smoking. I have a new found desire to get and stay healthy. Failure is not an option. Failure means death. If I don't change now I won't get the chance later.
The most important thing of all is, I want this. I need this. I desire this. I'm finally ready. It's not like in the past, just a passing thought. This is a strong desire. It's what I think about most of the time. It's a slow road, but if they can move an entire bridge down the road, I can move myself.
Now if I could just get myself to focus on things for more than 30 seconds at a time. It's really quite annoying.
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