smoking

Good god, now I remember why I've always had a horrible time quitting. I HATE the way I feel. I don't think I'm the average addict, or maybe I am. The way lack of nicotine affects me is almost scary. Even on meds, my depression and anxiety go through the roof. My mood is horrible, massive headaches, tired, feel like crap. It sucks. I know I need to quit, and at the moment don't have money for them any way, but fucking hell.

?!?!?!?!?!?!?????!!!!!!huh? shit, I don't know

I keep thinking about writing in this thing and never seem to get around to it. can't seem to keep the thoughts in my hand long enough to type them. Either that, or I sit down to type them and blank goes the mind. That seems to happen a lot lately. Feel like a Ferrari stuck in the sand, motors doing 150, wheels are spinning in the sand. If I could accomplish half the shit that wanders through my mind, I'd be a lot better off than I am at the moment.

Sick. Again

Good grief. Again with the ear infection? Really? More antibiotics. Had my chest xrayed, no issues inside, so that's a good thing. Especially after smoking for so many years.
Speaking of smoking. Trying to quit, again. Hardest thing I've ever done. I keep failing at it. So, try, try again right? Between the cost and the health issues, I have to kick the damn things. Lots of gum. And suckers.

The struggle begins.

Current weight: 535.60 pounds
Height: 6' 4"
BMI: To high to measure
Goal Weight: 250
Pounds to lose: 285

Wow. That puts things in perspective a bit. Holey shit. I need to lose the equivalent of a large person. Well, I've made attempts in the past, many times, to lose weight. I've failed every time. I'm very good at making excuses for not doing it. No time, hurts to much, to busy........ If I keep it up my next excuse is going to be death.

So, I've decided to attempt to blog my weight lost struggles, my quitting smoking struggles and my sanity struggles. Perhaps to help me vent, but also to keep myself accountable to myself. I've finally got my mind in a better place, now it's time for the rest of me.

On the road, the long, long winding road

I almost feel like I'm in rehab, an addict jonesing for a fix. I have urges to sit down and eat an entire large pizza by myself. Something I've done many many times in the past. Or chow on multiple candy bars. But I won't. The urges are already becoming less frequent. I keep telling myself it's not an option. I actually have energy already. It's an odd change. Between the changes in my diet, attitude, sleep and medication, I feel so different. Now all I need to do is lose 300 pounds.

It feels good

How odd to have lots of energy. Sleeping good for the first time in, well, ever. Eating better. The juicer is fantastic. A friend gave me a magic bullet, that thing is great too. So, between the meds, the vitamins and trying to eat better, I actually feel better. Who'd of thunk it huh?

I'm finding it easier than I thought it would be to change my habits. It's not an over night thing, one step at a time, but I think I'm doing better at it than I thought I would. The one that's kicking my ass is the not smoking, that one is sooo very hard and I am not doing very well at it. I will though, I'm going to kick that shit too.

I'm so glad I finally found my motivation. I'm not sure exactly what caused it, but I suddenly feel a huge desire to change my life and my body. It's no longer a passing thought of "I really need to". It's not even something I would call a goal, more like an imperative. It must happen, it will happen, it is happening. No more "I'm going to do it", instead, I AM doing it.

On the road

To a new life. Making lifestyle changes one at a time. Making better choices in what I eat, working on getting healthy. I finally made it through a sleep study and set up with a cpap that actually works the way it's supposed to. It's been kind of bizarre to actually sleep. I was having 172 sleep disturbances an hour. My oxygen levels were down to 72% while I was sleeping. That's insane, and scary as hell. Working on quitting smoking. That's a hard one, such a hard habit to break, been so many years and it's such a part of my life. But I'm going to do it. One step at a time.

Bought a juicer yesterday to try and help eat better. I hate vegetables, so I'm hoping the juicer will help me get more of them in my diet. So many issues to work through, knee pain, back pain, low energy, excessive weight. I will fix them, all of them. There is no other viable option. Taking it one step at a time. It's going to be a long road, but I will make it.

Me for President in 2010

I hate politics. I hate politicians. It seems that no matter what the agenda they claim to follow, they lie, backpeddle, waffle and pretty much do what they want. Doesn't that go against the entire concept of an elected official? Aren't they supposed to work for us? Isn't it "by the people, for the people"? Nope, sure isn't. And I don't think it ever has been. It's for the rich by the rich. Has a poor or middle class American ever been elected to office? With the acception of a few small town Mayors? Obama? Wealthy. Bush? Wealthy? Clinton? Bush again? I can't think of a single President who was a "normal" American.

So, if you are already well off and all your friends are well off; if you've made your money off the blood sweat and tears of the average american, what is your motivation to help them? Why would you want to educate your work force? If you let them better themselves, they will want to advance and you'll have to find new faces to fill the void. Not very financially responsible is it? Or you can just bag it and out source to some third world country with almost free labor, no environmental or safety regulations and easier tax rules. After all, there sure isn't any reason not to. It's all about the bottom line and profit after all, isn't it?

If we ever want to change government, we need to change the rules first. Make it easier for the "average Joe (sixpack?)" to run for office. Take the money out of washington. If you want a person who cares about the general population of a country, you need a leader who comes from that population, who has friends and family in that population. Someone who knows what it's really like to wonder how they are going to pay the bills. Someone who has had to deal with the health care system, the police, the crappy education system. Someone who has done more than live with a silver spoon and get paid to lie.

We need to change the rules. Put the power back in the hands of people. Make not only America, but Americans first. Fix our own problems before we worry about the rest of the world that hates us but begs for help. Instead of fixing Iraq, let's fix Arkansas, or Michigan, or..... Let's rebuild our infrastructure. We borrow money we don't have from one country, to give it to another? Seems silly doesn't it?

This is why I shouldn't look at political web pages. Gets me all rankled and irritated. I wish people in this country would wake up and pay attention to what's going on around them. Turn off the television and learn to think again. Quit swallowing all the propaganda, from all sides. They are not looking out for you. They don't care about you. Unless it's how much money they can get out of you. Be a good little drone, stay in debt so you are forced to keep a job you don't like. Stay stupid so you don't know any better and stay scared so you will look to the government for protection and not question when they take your rights away one by one.

We need a new political party in this country. Call it the Realist party. Or perhaps the peoples party, though that kind of sound a bit commy chinese doesn't it? I know, the no bullshit party? Our logo could be a crapping bull in a circle with a line through it.

Ok, I feel better now. Vote for me damnit. I know what's best for you.

So done

With being fat and out of shape. I went to two stores yesterday and was in so much pain after that I couldn't sleep last night. It felt like someone was driving spikes into my knees. They still hurt. I have got to lose weight and get in shape. I have to. I am trying to watch what I eat, and I know that will help, but I have got to get off my ass and start getting more exercise. I know I can do it, I just have to do it.

One blog post a month?

So it would seem. I seem to have lost my creative muse, or perhaps I never had one, I don't really know. I keep having the desire to get the camera out, but lack the creativity required. I'm feeling rather stuck. Maybe getting back to school will help get my brain working again.

As I work more on my self and my issues, and go longer without experience such deep depression that I've lived with my entire life, I find that my attitude, my interests and my goals are changing. I'm no longer ok with just sitting around doing nothing. I'm craving stimulation again. Mental and physical. I need to do things, learn things and start moving around more. It's kind of nice to have drive and ambition for the first time in my life. I want to live instead of just surviving. I just have to figure out how to do that. I need to get out of the house more, meet new people.

I need to figure out how to socially network. I never have been very good at it due to the depression and not really feeling like being around them. That's changing now. It's odd how much therapy and medication has changed the way I feel about a lot of things.

It has allowed me a lot of time for personal reflection. Thinking about the past, things I've done, seen, been exposed to. My childhood, my parents, the way I grew up. I suppose, for better or worse, it's all made the person I am today. The question is, am I happy with that person? I'm getting closer. There is always room for personal improvement. I've been working on my mental health, now I need to start working on my physical health.

I can not believe how much weight I have gained in the last couple years. I have to figure out how to turn that around. Maybe I should write Oprah a letter and cry on her shoulder? How about it Dr Phil? How's that working for you?